Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day 2 and Vintage Thinspo!

It's day two and im so pissed at myself. I just havent been keeping up, i havent been caring about calories at ALL, and my mom keeps buying junk! She usually doesnt cook (i like to do that) and tonight she decided she'd "let me have a relaxing evening" while she made dinner. What did she cook? Fucking hamburger helper stroganoff, thats what. Luckily she didnt add milk but STILL. Then she made cake, and i'm not even going to make excuses about it- i ate, litterally, like a pig. i have no idea how many calories i had today...i really need to get back into the swing of things because i look really fat again! :(
I just need to take control and say NO JUNK FOOD.
On the brighter side of things, i finally talked to the hot guy, Eli. we had a pretty long conversation about random shit and hows he's liking the school (he's new). Of course, i flirted like crazy but not too over the top. It seems like he'll probably end up in my group of friends, which is awesome, of course :) We're inviting him to the club this weekend so *fingers crossed* maybe we'll get to dance together. I haven't had a boyfriend since the beginning of 9th grade and it was honestly kind of pathetic. Maybe i'll explain that tomorrow...
I just don't like getting involved seriously with guys because it hurts too much. For me, its a serious burden. I just cant get too close and i hate having to be with them all the time and talk to them 24/7. I hate it even more when guys like me, but the feeling isnt mutual. The last one i delt with, i THINK, handled it well. I just hate hurting their feelings, so i usually end up making an excuse. I make excuses a lot, if you can't tell. I know it's not good to lie but i'd appreciate "sorry, i just don't want to date" (which is actually true) over "I'm sorry,but you kind of gross me out." Don't lie, i'm sure youve all thought someone was really revolting, as horrible as it is.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Day 1 and my story :)

So, i weighed myself and the grand, disgusting total is 108. That means i gained 1 pound this week...EEK! can i just say that the whole no bread deal is extremely hard? I dont think i can even do mom is half turkish for crying out loud! we have pide or pita at least 4 times a week, and usually more. i wasn't able to stick to the diet or my exercise today considering im still on my period and craving cake, of all things. So i split a square of carrot cake (that's a "healthier" one right? i mean it DOES have carrots :P) with Shai. I couldn't exercise because i was in too much pain today from cramps. I think my goal will be 104. I know after a whole month i should be able to lose more, but i don't want to stress myself too much. If i lose more than that, great! I think i'll start my jogging tomorrow.
So, about my story...i don't think i ever shared it. How did i get sucked into this online world filled with counting calories and binges? Well, it really was because of 2 things. The first reason was my ex. See, he's pretty tall compared to me (5'8-9" ish?) but really thin because he likes salad for lunch and exercises like a mad man. I asked him what he weighed once and he said 108. I weighed 104-5 around that time. UMMMM HELLO?! he's 5 inches taller and only weighs like 4 pounds more than me! As you would expect, this made me feel like a complete cow. The next one affected me MUCH more. Remember the friend i told about my little walk with ana/ednos? Is it ironic that she's the one who got me started on this? Well, she did. We went to the gym one day and i was on my period, so i wore sweats and a thin baseball T-shirt. I hadn't seen her for a while (it was after winter vacation, and she had been in Tahoe) I felt bad since she had been keeping up her workouts and i hadnt, so i said "Dude, i havent worked out in forever!". Wanna guess what she said? "Yeah, *laugh* i can tell".......................................
You can just imagine how horrible that sounded coming from one of your best friends. she has a habit of not thinking before talking, she's extremely blunt, she totally wont beat around the bush. Most people would call her rude-a smart ass- which she is, but i still love her. Plus, it's not that i gained weight, it's just that shirts fit like shit on me! They never fit to my body right and always end up making me look bigger. So, ever since then ive been tormented by all the fat on my tummy, my thighs, my calves, my back, my everything.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Did you think i was dead?

i feel like i havent talked to you guys in years! what with my school, dance and all my other activities i basically have NO free time. Only late at night, when everyone else has begun to go to bed can i post here. I've been eating really badly, i basically stopped counting calories. BUT, that's all changing tomorrow. I binged like crazy and i wouldn't be surprised if i weigh 115 pounds again tomorrow. I have a plan to kind of "re-cast" my lifestyle. Starting tomorrow, i will weigh myself and i'm going to make a goal weight based on that. It will last a month, im going to try VERY hard to not eat food made outside my house. I'm going back to my diet plan, a salad or something light for lunch, small dinner rations, no bread except once a week. Whatever food i cook will have to be healthy! I am committing to jogging at least 40 minutes a day. I dont know if i can jog straight for that long, but i'll work my ass off. I mean, i had 400 calories today in snacks! Another 100 for frozen yogurt, and who knows how much my main meals were. I'm slipping into old habits and its totally NOT ok. So i'm doing this diet for a month. What's the catch? I won't be weighing myself through this whole thing. I swear, a few of you just cringed. The thing is that i get depressed when i gain, so looking at my digits makes me want to eat away the sadness. I'll be posting often to keep you informed. I hope this works and that i look much better in a month! WE CAN DO THIS <3

Monday, August 22, 2011

My weekend of horror is over! (+ short ballet thinspo)

                                                                                                                                                               This picture slightly describes how fat i feel today. Mom's birthday is over, THANK THE L-RD. I didn't even attempt to eat small portions because i knew it was no use, i knew i'd gain weight anyway. We got some indian pastries as a surprise for her today and that was the last of it. I can FINALLY jump back into my diet plan because there isn't any big "eating" event until Thanksgiving. I actually had to get my physical at the doctors today. I was behind in shots, so i had to get 4 today, 2 in a month, and 3 in 6 months. Luckily, i don't get freaked out by shots, i actually like them in a weird, twisted way. But they went TOO far this time. Do you know what they fucking did to me?!
Ok. There. I said it. Has the shock set in yet? No? Let me go ahead and repeat that-

If you have ever had someone's finger up your ass, i'm sure you feel my pain. It's some creepy shit. You're in that ugly-ass hospital gown and they make you curl up. You see their finger all shiny from the lube and then they stick it up like there's no fucking tomorrow! As you can tell, i'm kind of disturbed by it, maybe even a bit traumatized (more like a lot). They also weighed me and the big number is 107. In my defense, not only did i have 2 huge meals this weekend (by the way, my friends and i had a great time cooking dinner) but then my mom decides to take me and my sisters out for MEXICAN FOOD. I'm part mexican, and proud, but seriously- the food? That's one of the fattiest cuisines i can think of. So a lot of factors played into my weight gain, but i'm not stressing over it. Next week should be better...i hope. Stay strong lovelies!

If anyone has a thinspo theme request, i would gladly take it into consideration!
I'm sort of running out of themes xD

Friday, August 19, 2011

Update: I told a friend about Ednos/ana

I can't believe i haven't updated you guys in practically a week! I've been so busy starting school, i have two honors courses this year, and i already had to start writing an essay for English. Anyways, there's a REALLY hot new guy in our class and of course all the girls are already on the prowl. I haven't talked to him yet, but i plan to make him want me by next week. Ok, ok, i'm being way over optimistic, but hey, i might as well, right? I told one of my friends about my little weight loss obsession and this blog, she handled it really well! She was basically just saying that i was skinny already and didn't need to lose weight (SO not true). but then...she almost fucking made me cry. She brings me to her bathroom and says "Ok, stand on the scale." You should've seen my face, i looked like i had just seen a ghost. I refused to step on it, but finally she convinced me. It added 2 pounds because i had all my clothes on and i almost broke down, balling my eyes out and screaming. She stood on it and weighed 126 pounds. It just scared the shit out of me that if i ate enough, i could gain that much. I never want to get over 110 pounds again! She pulled her shirt up and i could see her stomach, and she said "See? I love my body, i feel so sexy. Guys like girls with meat on their bones. If anything, you should gain weight! My body looks good right?" I mean, i wasn't gonna say "Love, you look like you have a little fat on you, if i consider myself fat, i'm pretty sure i consider you fat too." I mean, practically everybody is fat in my eyes! So instead i told her that she was ok, but has a little bit of love handle, which is basically the source of her body's fat, her stomach is alright. Long story short, it was one of the most traumatic things i've ever done. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and we're going to North Beach for our favorite italian place. It's gonna be pretty fattening. I'm sure you're thinking, "Well at least Sunday will be ok, there's no way your weekend could get worse." Ohhhhh baby, does it ever! On Sunday, 2 of my friends and i are cooking a fancy sunday dinner, were dressing up and everything. The menu? Cheese and prosciutto , ice cream and baked butter-cinnamon apples, spring rolls, and lamb chops with gravy and potatos. I'm SO gaining weight this week.