Im so excited.

My week of horror (the second one?) is almost over! After labor day, there isn't another eating holiday until Rosh Hashanah at the end of september. I ate more than i intended to today. A small buritto from our favorite mexican market for lunch. i had a steamed pork bun for a snack because the fam went to china town for the day. i had soup for dinner (approx 90 cals) and a tomato salad. Not the best day, but i've had worse.

Tonight was amazing! All my friends and i went to the club. I danced with a bunch of guys, yet the only one i remember dancing with was Eli. Hes so fucking hot!!! I ended up convincing him to go, even though his family is going out of town for labor day tomorrow. im so glad i did, because he's an amazing dancer. we didn't kiss or anything because we've decided to keep it friendly for now. He just broke up with his gf this summer because he moved, which i totally understand. She's all the way in Santa Barbara, which isnt exactly close to San Fran. woohoo! I found out he lives pretty close to me. His parents are really cool with people coming over, so we planned a movie night with all of us at his house on friday. Im so excited! It's a scary movie, so ill just pretend to be scared like everybody else.
Also, on Tuesday i'm visiting my old school because Emie and Harper asked.
I have no idea what to wear! I'll be seeing so many people i havent seen in ages and i need to
look good. I mean, My x might even see me. SCARY. Any advice on what i should wear?
I might post possible outfits tomorrow if i have time...

Stay lovely!

Day 2 and Vintage Thinspo!

It's day two and im so pissed at myself. I just havent been keeping up, i havent been caring about calories at ALL, and my mom keeps buying junk! She usually doesnt cook (i like to do that) and tonight she decided she'd "let me have a relaxing evening" while she made dinner. What did she cook? Fucking hamburger helper stroganoff, thats what. Luckily she didnt add milk but STILL. Then she made cake, and i'm not even going to make excuses about it- i ate, litterally, like a pig. i have no idea how many calories i had today...i really need to get back into the swing of things because i look really fat again! :(
I just need to take control and say NO JUNK FOOD.
On the brighter side of things, i finally talked to the hot guy, Eli. we had a pretty long conversation about random shit and hows he's liking the school (he's new). Of course, i flirted like crazy but not too over the top. It seems like he'll probably end up in my group of friends, which is awesome, of course :) We're inviting him to the club this weekend so *fingers crossed* maybe we'll get to dance together. I haven't had a boyfriend since the beginning of 9th grade and it was honestly kind of pathetic. Maybe i'll explain that tomorrow...
I just don't like getting involved seriously with guys because it hurts too much. For me, its a serious burden. I just cant get too close and i hate having to be with them all the time and talk to them 24/7. I hate it even more when guys like me, but the feeling isnt mutual. The last one i delt with, i THINK, handled it well. I just hate hurting their feelings, so i usually end up making an excuse. I make excuses a lot, if you can't tell. I know it's not good to lie but i'd appreciate "sorry, i just don't want to date" (which is actually true) over "I'm sorry,but you kind of gross me out." Don't lie, i'm sure youve all thought someone was really revolting, as horrible as it is.

Day 1 and my story :)

So, i weighed myself and the grand, disgusting total is 108. That means i gained 1 pound this week...EEK! can i just say that the whole no bread deal is extremely hard? I dont think i can even do it...my mom is half turkish for crying out loud! we have pide or pita at least 4 times a week, and usually more. i wasn't able to stick to the diet or my exercise today considering im still on my period and craving cake, of all things. So i split a square of carrot cake (that's a "healthier" one right? i mean it DOES have carrots :P) with Shai. I couldn't exercise because i was in too much pain today from cramps. I think my goal will be 104. I know after a whole month i should be able to lose more, but i don't want to stress myself too much. If i lose more than that, great! I think i'll start my jogging tomorrow.

So, about my story...i don't think i ever shared it. How did i get sucked into this online world filled with counting calories and binges? Well, it really was because of 2 things. The first reason was my ex. See, he's pretty tall compared to me (5'8-9" ish?) but really thin because he likes salad for lunch and exercises like a mad man. I asked him what he weighed once and he said 108. I weighed 104-5 around that time. UMMMM HELLO?! he's 5 inches taller and only weighs like 4 pounds more than me! As you would expect, this made me feel like a complete cow. The next one affected me MUCH more. Remember the friend i told about my little walk with ana/ednos? Is it ironic that she's the one who got me started on this? Well, she did. We went to the gym one day and i was on my period, so i wore sweats and a thin baseball T-shirt. I hadn't seen her for a while (it was after winter vacation, and she had been in Tahoe) I felt bad since she had been keeping up her workouts and i hadnt, so i said "Dude, i havent worked out in forever!". Wanna guess what she said? "Yeah, *laugh* i can tell".......................................

You can just imagine how horrible that sounded coming from one of your best friends. she has a habit of not thinking before talking, she's extremely blunt, she totally wont beat around the bush. Most people would call her rude-a smart ass- which she is, but i still love her. Plus, it's not that i gained weight, it's just that shirts fit like shit on me! They never fit to my body right and always end up making me look bigger. So, ever since then ive been tormented by all the fat on my tummy, my thighs, my calves, my back, my hips...my everything.

My weekend of horror is over! (+ short ballet thinspo)

                                                                                                                                                               This picture slightly describes how fat i feel today. Mom's birthday is over, THANK THE L-RD. I didn't even attempt to eat small portions because i knew it was no use, i knew i'd gain weight anyway. We got some indian pastries as a surprise for her today and that was the last of it. I can FINALLY jump back into my diet plan because there isn't any big "eating" event until Thanksgiving. I actually had to get my physical at the doctors today. I was behind in shots, so i had to get 4 today, 2 in a month, and 3 in 6 months. Luckily, i don't get freaked out by shots, i actually like them in a weird, twisted way. But they went TOO far this time. Do you know what they fucking did to me?!

  THEY VIOLATED MY ASSHOLE.
Ok. There. I said it. Has the shock set in yet? No? Let me go ahead and repeat that-
THEY FUCKING VIOLATED MY ASSHOLE.

If you have ever had someone's finger up your ass, i'm sure you feel my pain. It's some creepy shit. You're in that ugly-ass hospital gown and they make you curl up. You see their finger all shiny from the lube and then they stick it up like there's no fucking tomorrow! As you can tell, i'm kind of disturbed by it, maybe even a bit traumatized (more like a lot). They also weighed me and the big number is 107. In my defense, not only did i have 2 huge meals this weekend (by the way, my friends and i had a great time cooking dinner) but then my mom decides to take me and my sisters out for MEXICAN FOOD. I'm part mexican, and proud, but seriously- the food? That's one of the fattiest cuisines i can think of. So a lot of factors played into my weight gain, but i'm not stressing over it. Next week should be better...i hope. Stay strong lovelies!

If anyone has a thinspo theme request, i would gladly take it into consideration!
I'm sort of running out of themes xD

Update: I told a friend about Ednos/ana

I can't believe i haven't updated you guys in practically a week! I've been so busy starting school, i have two honors courses this year, and i already had to start writing an essay for English. Anyways, there's a REALLY hot new guy in our class and of course all the girls are already on the prowl. I haven't talked to him yet, but i plan to make him want me by next week. Ok, ok, i'm being way over optimistic, but hey, i might as well, right? I told one of my friends about my little weight loss obsession and this blog, she handled it really well! She was basically just saying that i was skinny already and didn't need to lose weight (SO not true). but then...she almost fucking made me cry. She brings me to her bathroom and says "Ok, stand on the scale." You should've seen my face, i looked like i had just seen a ghost. I refused to step on it, but finally she convinced me. It added 2 pounds because i had all my clothes on and i almost broke down, balling my eyes out and screaming. She stood on it and weighed 126 pounds. It just scared the shit out of me that if i ate enough, i could gain that much. I never want to get over 110 pounds again! She pulled her shirt up and i could see her stomach, and she said "See? I love my body, i feel so sexy. Guys like girls with meat on their bones. If anything, you should gain weight! My body looks good right?" I mean, i wasn't gonna say "Love, you look like you have a little fat on you, if i consider myself fat, i'm pretty sure i consider you fat too." I mean, practically everybody is fat in my eyes! So instead i told her that she was ok, but has a little bit of love handle, which is basically the source of her body's fat, her stomach is alright. Long story short, it was one of the most traumatic things i've ever done. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and we're going to North Beach for our favorite italian place. It's gonna be pretty fattening. I'm sure you're thinking, "Well at least Sunday will be ok, there's no way your weekend could get worse." Ohhhhh baby, does it ever! On Sunday, 2 of my friends and i are cooking a fancy sunday dinner, were dressing up and everything. The menu? Cheese and prosciutto , ice cream and baked butter-cinnamon apples, spring rolls, and lamb chops with gravy and potatos. I'm SO gaining weight this week.