I don't even know where to go from here...
My boyfriend broke up with me on our 2 month anniversary, 2 days ago. We were into each other for 3 months, and we were both so mature and moved very fast. I know this will probably be irrelevant to me once ive healed but he just meant so much to me.
I gave him my virginity, too early. once i did that, i could tell our relationship would crumble, things were much more serious and difficult. Recently I've been depressed because I've lost so many friends, and I feel like i bored him because of that. It was out of the blue, I really wasn't expecting it. He seemed so nonchalant about it, like he never even cared. He claims it's because of his personal shit going on that he's refused to tell me about because "it's too embarrassing" and that he just doesnt think he should be in a relationship right now. While I know this is true, I feel like if you truly care for someone, you would be willing to keep them even through your rough patches.
I was doing so well until I smoked today, that always bring my pain back up to the surface. I constantly choke back my tears. The worst part is i have no closure. I don't know if he was just being honest or if that was his excuse for not liking me anymore. I feel worthless, like nobody will ever love me. This was a serious relationship, we were already talking about senior prom next year and going to concerts in the fall. It was my fault- I allowed us to move way to fast. I'm assuming that he didn't mean to have sex with me and leave because he isn't that kind of guy, but it happened anyway. I guess for him there was nothing left after that. I asked if it was permanent or if he just needed space and he said "Well, maybe once all this shit is over..." So I'm left on a cliffhanger, awesome. I'm trying so hard not to expect him to come running back. I loved him, I didn't know what that meant before but I would do anything to make him happy.
The only bright side to this? I really have no appetite and am getting closer to so many people who I never really valued in my life before.
Sorry for this rant, but I'm just so alone.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Do you ever just want to kill everyone around you? Am I the only one who gets fed up with the fake and changing people in this world? I'm tired of it. Sick and tired. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even sure why certain people piss me off...I'm just drowning in the sadness and hate.
I've been gone for probably a year or so from this blog, but it seems to be the only place where people won't judge me for expressing myself. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine and haven't been eating well at all, but my inner ana comes out to say hi every so many months. I suddenly notice all the shit I'm putting into my body.
I moved schools this semester and the friends I made at first began to ask me if I have an eating disorder because I would never eat during the day (at least not in front of anyone). Do you know how HAPPY it made me that for once people noticed my suffering and struggles? Of course, I denied it, and now they've seen me eat enough times for their superstitions to be stomped.
I have a boyfriend now, and that's causing me to revert to the depressed and fat person I used to be, although I don't think she ever left. I want to have a better body for him, so I'm trying to force myself back into this secret world so I can actually make progress for once. So many of you have abandoned your blogs like I did, but I can never forget what I've learned here and the progress that I documented is precious, because it IS possible to lose weights, guys, it is. You just need to be strong and stick to your diets and exercise for long enough!