Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Failed day, i'm being honest.

I've decided I'm going to start being completely honest on this blog. I didn't even want to post today because I feel like a failure and ate WAY too much. I can't stand to look at blogs that say "i didn't do so great today, maybe tomorrow! Its a new day, right? stay strong, you can all accomplish your goals if you work hard enough."
I'm a pessimist when it comes down to it. I'm gonna tell it like it is. You guys can struggle and strive with me, or at least sit back and watch my nightmare...
Anyway, I burned 140 calories walking on the treadmill. I hula hooped for 20 minutes, I did a session of hip hop abs, and I did a 40 (?) minute DVD Pilates routine. I actually felt pretty great until dinner.4 pieces total of casserole ( i'm just going to call it that because it's Turkish. actually pretty healthy. It's called borek if you're curious). I also had some tzatziki and a little tomato salad. I hate leftovers from holidays.
I started a new meal plan a couple weeks ago, and found myself completely satisfied. But this week i have been  CRAVING. I'll go ahead and blame it on my period starting tomorrow :) yeah, those 5 cookies i ate can be blamed on my period, too. Hopefully you didn't just catch that...Ignore the chubby girl behind the curtain??

Meal Plan:
1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)

1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)
1 cup of miso soup (with a bit of tofu)

Some rice (a cup? half a cup? I'm too lazy to measure)
1 cup of miso soup (with tofu)
Veggies (spinach, spinach, and more spinach. usually with some kimchi)

Only if i can't STAND it- i'll have a bit of fruit

I do let myself cheat each meal once a week (which hasn't been working out so well considering I can't always choose what I have for dinner, ohhh mom, stop screwing me over!)
I honestly don't know what more I can do, I feel like a porker.

...and the cycle repeats again

I feel like the fat consumes me...I'm sinking in it.
That's how I've felt for the past few months, even though it seems as if I've abandoned this dear, precious resource. It's worked before, I know that. When I was a power blogger a whole year ago, I weighed 103 pounds. I was shrinking fast, and it felt good. Then I gained, too much, I shot up to almost 130 pounds. Do you know how disgusting that feels? I know the secret is exercise. I'm not strong enough to just not eat. I NEED food, as horrible as it sounds. With memorial day and all...crazy over eating...I'm now clocking in at 118 pounds as of 5 days ago. I'm terrified to weigh myself...but I know that's what worked last time. I would speed walk for two hours a day- I just can't stand to run. I'm too weak, too out of shape, too fat, too lazy, too sick.

I wish we lived in a world where fat was beautiful, I really do...
But after being weighed at the doctors, and with the daunting prospect of summer (a time in which I am forced to reveal my body via bikini to countless guys, a time where I simply must shed off my non-form fitting clothes)
I feel connected here again. I knew my leaving wasn't for good, I knew better. I went months weighing between 108-110, indulging in whatever i wanted.
This is how it starts, it's the same cycle every time. I weigh too much, and I want to be thin again (even though I never reached my goal). It's such a hassle to walk for so long. When you first begin the starvation, you over eat. You snack until your belly is bloated, and still crave more shit. I'm going to break that today, as much as I possibly can. I'm going to burn every fucking calorie i consume, and THEN some. I will do it, I have no choice. Pilates, walking, jogging....I'll do it all. I'll starve. It'll mentally torture me. You know the feeling:
I can't...
I guess I'll just start eating better tomorrow...

Before you know it, you've consumed a whole cake.

It stops today, Ladies. STOP IT. YOU CAN BEAT THE HUNGER. The struggle is what makes you strong.
Posts will become regular here, because blogging really is the only thing that keeps me going.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Vaction's Over, back to reality!

So I got back from chicago about 2 weeks ago. Um....what happened while I was gone?!
I hate this new blogger layout. It always stressed me out like crazy when a social media site suddenly changes its looks!
I ate pretty well last night, but I've been being pretty bad today. I had a tomato bisque soup for lunch with a bunch of bread. Whatever, I had to get rid of that craving I've had forever. I'm starting a new exercise program that I found in one of my old seventeen magazines. What I like about it is it changes up the exercises. Trust me, i get BORED with exercises. So, we'll see how that goes!
I stress out this time of year, every year, because I know I need to look hot in summer. Can't wear a bikini when you look like a pig, right?
I told Eli we needed to take a break. I just wasn't feeling him anymore. So I don't know what'll happen now, my brain is just sizzling and I'm behind again in school. Worst thing is, I feel attracted to one of my old guy friends. I've never thought he was hot, I just liked flirting with him because he's wanted me for years. When we text, it's almost always about sexual stuff. It's weird how I can't talk to my friends much about sex, but I've told him everything! Part of me wants to experiment with him but....I feel like I'm doing it out of desperation. I don't want him to get hurt in the process if he starts getting feelings for me again!
UGH. what do i do ladies??