Thursday, July 28, 2011

More About Me Survey.

I found this on my ana-buddy's blog, thought it was really interesting- Use it for your own blog, too!

Age: 15
Height: 5’3?
Weight: 105-108 (not sure until next week!)Dress Size: S usually
Goal Weight: 90-95 pounds
Favorite Diet Food: Pickles and flavored ice cubes <3
Favorite Binge Food: Bread, whether it's sweet or savory. I'm a sucker for pastries. Oh yeah, peanut butter too.
Favorite Exercise: Swimming and dancing. badminton is fun when i have the opportunity.
Where Do You Slip Up: Never during the day, around 8-10 at night.

When Did It Start?
Hating your body: I started noticing the skinny girls in 5th grade. I started hating my body at the end of 8th grade. I always hated my thighs that year, but the tummy was flat. 9th grade started and i HATE my body now.
Restricting/counting: Freshman year?
Does Anyone Know: Nobody except anyone reading this blog :D
Do You Want Help: I have an amazing ana buddy helping me, that's the only help i need.
How Many Calories Do You Consume a Day: 200-800 (800 is a binge)
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: A FAT, ugly, pathetic, lonely teenager.
Are You In A Relationship: not since last year...
Are You Depressed: Do I feel it... every fucking day. I even saw that my mom searched "how to help your depressed teenager" in my history. I'm not so afraid to show it at home.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: thought about it many times.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: Never, and hope it doesnt happen...ever.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[X] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[X] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs ( I WISH!)
[X] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

[X] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic (my mom, practically everyday)
[ ] call me fat (probably in secret)
[X] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[X] say I’m pretty
[X] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[X] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

[X] I was THIN
[X] I had a better body
[X] I didn’t have to eat
[X] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs (i am, i hope to keep it that way)
[X] I could avoid food
[X] I could hide what I am
[X] I wasn’t fat
[X] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe I would be a little more normal

[ ] feeling hungry
[X] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[X] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[X] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself

[X] I am shorter than 5’4.
[X] I think I’m ugly sometimes. (more like all the time)
[ ] I have many scars.
[X] I tan easily.
[X] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[X] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[X] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[X] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[X] I have freckles. (sadly, yes. not like all over my cheeks though. i plan to get them removed or bleached or whatever they do to get rid of them)

[ ] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] I’ve run away from home. (tried to, many times)
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[X] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

[X] I’m single.
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[only been in one relationship that wasnt a fling. It was kinda mutual...except i didnt really want to haha] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[ my friends...] I miss someone right now.
[X] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[X] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[X a bit of feelings are still there. His jersey...a Jamaican painted cow...long story ] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[X] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain. ( SO CLOSEEEE)
[X] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[X] I have kissed a stranger.

[X] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ i would, but i cant risk getting caught again. my dads a closet alcoholic.] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[X] I shut others out when I’m upset. .
[X] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[X] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[X] I’ve woken up crying.
[X] I’ve lost weight.
[X] I’ve gained weight.
[X] My weight holds me back.
[X] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest.
[ ] I’m at my biggest.
[so far..but gained a bit yesterday] I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
[X] I’ve lost weight but gained it back.
[X] My weight affects my mood.
[ try not to!] I weigh myself daily.
[X] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me.
[X] I thrive on compliments.
[X] I feel bigger than people who are my size.
[ ] I feel happy when I’m hungry.
[X] I get depressed after I eat.
[X] I’ve skipped a meal.
[ ] I’ve thrown food away.
[ ] I’ve spit food out.
[X] I’ve fasted.
[ ] I’ve taken diet pills.
[X] I’ve used laxatives. (tried milk of magnesia. completely useless, didnt work for a whole day)
[ tried, many times. i lost most of my gag reflex the last time i was sick, damn.] I’ve purged.
[X] I exercise. (been slacking big time!)
[X] I exercise so I can eat.
[X] I work out secretly.
[ ] I work out daily.
[X] I exercise to counteract eating.
[ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion.

[X] I keep my eating habits a secret.
[X] I have a diet blog.
[X] I look at thinspo.
[X] I collect thinspo.
[X] I’m doing this for me.
[X] I’m doing this for someone.
[X] I’m doing this to prove myself.
So yeah.. thats me.

I Salute You.

Today wasnt awful, but it wasnt great either. The local Borders is closing down, so i went to get some new stuff. The moms bought 3 cookbooks...fantastic. Actually, sometimes i enjoy looking at cooking shows or books, because half of the appeal of food is the way it looks.A Really delicious curry i found at the middle eastern market for dinner. Kefta meatballs in the curry over rice. I had 3 medium meatballs and in total, maybe a cup of rice. About 150 cals at lunch.. So it was under 800, but im not sure about 500. I didnt do any snacking today, no fruit or bars, so i dont have to worry about that. Tomorrow i think ill make flavored ice cubes, it's my new addiction! Anyways, the point of this is to salute any ana girls who have the willpower to stick to diets, you are literally AMAZING. I will write songs about you. It is SO hard to constantly fight the mental battle. Im pathetic compared to you! In your honor, im going to fight hard not to over-eat tomorrow! I CAN DO THIS!
Ahava אהבה

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

We all have a goal.

Not just a goal weight, but many girls have a piece of clothing that they dream of fitting in. I have one of those pieces of clothing. It's a cute black dress i got from pacsun. It's a small, but it turns out i am too fat to wear it. It just hangs there in my closet mocking me. Anyways, i just got a battery in my scale. Apparently i gained 4 pounds since before lunch. great. I ending up caving and eating a cupcake that the moms bought. Then i had half a slice of carrot cake. I feel so miserable! I always cave after dinner because there isnt anything to keep my mind off food! Hopefully, I'll be 104 again by next Wednesday. Ima keep fighting girlies!
Ahava אהבה

Another Thinspo

Ahava אהבה

Weekly Weigh In 1

 I'm actually pretty happy because i lost at least a pound! I don't have a digital scale at the moment (no batteries), so i had to use the old school one. I was usually 106, and now im at 104. YAY! Seriously guys, any little bit you can lose is a cause for celebration- look how much we have to suffer to get here! Once i get below 100 lbs, i'll post a picture of my stomach. I know this isn't such a great accomplishment in a week, but any pound lost gets you closer to your goal! In case anyone was curious, the diet i made is about 300 or less calories a day. It's actually pretty filling and keeps metabolisms up! I'll end up having 288 cals today, not too shabby, eh? (i had a 90 cal special k bar today, once i finish them, i wont buy them again! too tempting!)

Ahava אהבה

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Don't you hate it when you binge?

I guess to some people, this wouldn't count at as a binge, but i am SO CLOSE to what i want. i can practically taste thinness. But there's always that stubborn bit of fat that wants to chain you down. I have it on my lower stomach and lower back. it sucks. I did really well eating today until dinner (as usual). I made some sushi instead of my "bowl method". I ate 4 or 5, which was ok. But then i had a spoonful of peanut butter...and then a handful of cheerios...and then 3 Special K fiber bars. that was the worst. At 90 cals a piece, i ate an extra 270 cals! D:<
 I know this sounds pessimistic, but i'll try to get better news and results tomorrow. Tuesday is my weigh-in day, so let's see how i do! *crosses fingers*

                                                   Ahava אהבה

Tips #1

Every so often, ill post 5 tips to help you with weight loss. Just some various tips and tricks i've come across so far...

1. PICKLES PICKLES PICKLES. If you like them, eat them. Pretty much one of the only flavorful things with 0 cals in existence.

2. Make yourself an ICEE! Get one of those water flavoring packs and freeze it. Crush it up for a yummy snack or make a popsicle if thats how you roll.

3. Don't completely deprive yourself of something you love. Instead, have your guilty pleasure once a week and in a very small amount. Now, you'll have something to look forward to and are less likely to binge and gain weight.

4. Celery. Nuff' said. Bored? Chew some celery to keep your mouth busy while burning calories.

5. Dont eat bread if you can help it. No pasta, bread, potatoes. These are just like sugar in your body. you'll gain more weight if you eat bread. (Whole grain is better, though. so if you MUST consume bread, make sure its 100% whole grain)
Ahava אהבה

Monday, July 25, 2011


The moms brought home starbucks...and pizza :/ I can't say no even if i wanted to, she'd be onto me. Luckily the starbucks drink is only about 100 cals, and the pizza slice was small. Just used up my bread for the week. See, i've created this diet to help ease me into eating very little:
breakfast: 1/4 cup cheerios+ 1/4 cup rice dream/ soy milk
snack 1: 1 small piece of fruit (fig, peach, mini apple, etc.)
lunch: a salad with a few tomato pieces and mushroom (+ 1 tablespoon honey mustard dressing)(or salad shirazi, its delicious and healthy). x2 a week, 4 small pelmeni in plain broth.
snack 2: green tea and jello (if available), 1 egg white
dinner: 1/2 rice bowl veggies, 1/2 rice bowl rice, 1 rice bowl soup (i like lentil or leek), side of kimchi 
Extra snacks: Unlimited tea, pickles, flavored ice, cucumber
Once a week: bread product (NO potatoes, NO pasta, NO bread all week except for this once)
It sounds like a lot but the portions are very small, yet satisfying. If your just starting on your weight loss, i recommend giving this diet a try. I'll do it for about a month, and then cut the servings in half. Try exercising too, thats always a good thing. Keep working ladies! FIDGET! :)
Ahava אהבה


Bit too muscley...

These are some of my favorite thinspo pics so far that i've found on the web because their bodies are PERFECT and exactly how i'd like to be.
Ahava אהבה

Keep Moving...

I ate more than a salad for lunch (pelmeni to be exact, 4 small ones). Whenever i eat too much i just want to slap myself and scream "Look how much fat you have! You don't deserve to eat!"
Can i even begin to mention my love/hate relationship with peanut butter?!
It's the devil to me, i swear. I keep imagining sticking my finger in that wonderful jar...
I'm not sure if xalva (חלוה) is bad to have or not, but i spread it on a fig today. I should find out, it
could be worse than peanut butter!
Ahava אהבה

Get out your bikinis, girls!

Don't give up your dream for something you want in the moment! Ahava אהבה

Welcome :)

This is my story of a strive to perfection. Just watch me shrink n' smile! Take this journey with me into a thin world. STAY STRONG <3

 Ahava  אהבה