Last day.

You may be confused by the picture on this post, but trust me, i actually know where im going with this one. Sometimes, i swear im a camel. I'll just give you a moment to take that in....

haha no, but in all seriousness, i have a water drinking problem. I can go days with only a few sips of water. Sometimes, i even go days without drinking. I feel like my body has this amazing ability to store water like a fucking camel. Except, instead of humps, the stuff is stored in my wondrously large fat deposits.
Today was pretty uneventful. Sadly, i have some bad news. See, when i do good things and excel, my parents love taking the whole family out for a treat. Today, i came home and shared that i was only 1 of 2 people who got a perfect score on the English essay assignments i talked about a while ago. They ended up taking me out, as expected. I was doing SO well at lunch, i wasn't even hungry, so i was just going to fast at least until dinner. My mom brought home subway sandwiches, i caved and had half. Yeah, yeah, i realize i have pretty much no ability to say "NO". When we went out, i got a roti bun (totally delicious, a guilty pleasure of mine), which is probably really high in calories :(
I can't believe i'll have to weigh myself tomorrow...it makes me SICK just thinking about it. I'll try really hard to go on a jog and at least burn off a bit of weight before the big reveal. I just have a feeling i gained, i wouldnt even be surprised if i was back at my original 115...but everyday is a new one. I just have to remember that i can control that huge evil number. I might post pictures if i lost weight. I made a promise long ago to post some once i get down to 100, if i happen to be at 105 i'll post them fo sho! Good luck girls, i think we all need it :)

2 more days till the whale (me) gets weighed!

I did ok. I ended up having an apple, a doughnut... i mean, you totally didn't hear that one! Awkward. I also had some korean cold ramyon, which was about 160 cals. Not too bad! Anyways, Me and my friends went out for bubble tea again, sadly Eli couldnt come. Of course, i didn't eat anything :) Some little twerp was staring at us for the longest fucking time. I eventually snapped, turned around and yelled "Ya know, i can play the staring game too!"
His mama got all pissed and called me rude. HAH. fuck that! I'm not the one staring at innocent civilians like a deer in the headlights.
All the girls are getting pumped for homecoming. Personally, i think dances are pretty damn boring. Id rather be alone with my date in a hot tub (which is a big deal since im so self concious) instead of being forced to slut dance all night until im as sweaty as an obese man running a marathon. I'm hoping Eli will ask me but i'm sure there are better girls he could ask...
Plus, Ever's throwing this Halloween party and im going, but ill have to lie to get there. (not allowed to celebrate Halloween and all...) There's just way too much going on this month!
I didnt end up going for a jog today because im lazy. There's really no excuse. Im practically shitting bricks in anticipation for saturday's weigh in. If i'm over 108, im gonna be SO mad at myself. I want to be below 100 again! I havent been that light since like...6th grade or something.
For those of you who are new followers, i havent weighed myself for a month. Yeah, im a lunatic, i know. It will never happen again! I thought it would keep me motivated, but it just made me lazy as fuck. From now on, it'll be back to my weekly weigh ins. (:
And thanks for all your lovely comments on my thinspo, and big welcome to any new followers! You guys really do keep me motivated, its so great to have a support group. Off to bed now, cheerio! (does anybody actually say that?)

Emotive Thinspo and update

My parents agreed to let me get into some form of art again. I claimed it was for exercise, but obviously i want it to help me lose weight too! I'm going to take a high school gymnastics class so i can try and gain my flexibility back before i even attempt to try out for rhythmic gymnastics. Im so pumped!

I think i'll look into rhythmic by the end of this year because i need at LEAST a few months to work on my tricks. I really hope i'll qualify for at least the advanced level, otherwise i'll be in a class with a bunch of 6-8 year olds...

I'm not sure when i'll start, but hopefully soon! I'll keep you guys posted ;)

Only 2 more days until my weigh in!

Wish me luck :)                                                                                         

Im trying to be happy. I really am.

I think i'm feeling a lot better today. I tried to smile and stuff, you know? It's not like i'm happy being depressed all the time, nor do i try and make myself depressed. My friends all love my dad and hate my mom. She's just really...intense and judgemental. I think she watches too much TV. She just says she knows eveything about teenage physcocolgy and convinces herself that she understands all my problems, which she totally doesn't. One time i was at Julity's house and my mom was parked outside to pick me up...Julity waved to my mom from her window. When i got in the car my mom started
yelling at me. "Why is that girl so suspicious? What were you up to that she did that? Did you guys sneak out in the middle of the night to go to the club?! she's a bad influence on you. You better not be getting drugs from her." That's pretty much how she is all the time.

I was too busy to jog today but i really am going to try to wake up early so i can do it in the morning before it gets all hot. I think i should get involved with something again. I just don't enjoy running much because it's so painful and my inhaler doesnt help much. I need to do something i enjoy again.
I'm thinking of either getting back into dance or rythmic gymnastics (which i did for like a year when i was younger). I'm just not sure how my parents will respond. If i do rythmic, i'll end up being with really young girls just because i've lost most of my flexibility over the years. I guess i should start training myself again...

My mom hasnt scheduled an appointment with the doc yet. I kind of feel like she'll forget, as usual. (Memory loss must run in the family haha) But the weird thing is i'm terrified of telling the doctor what's wrong because i don't even know where to begin. I dont even know if i HAVE a mental illness, maybe i'm just troubled. What the fuck should i say? Oh yeah doc, i cant concentrate on anything and ive been yelling for no reason, with severe anger. I forget to do everything and im so fucking anxious. Not to mention the hallucinations.

I just don't even know where i'd start...what am i really trying to gain by going there?

Parents never fucking understand.

I literally want to kill myself. I literally want to end it all. My mom talked to me tonight...about everything. It took like 5 hours, no joke. She pulled me aside and locked me in a room with her. She asked me why im so depressed lately, because she's been "worried". fucking great parenting. So, i finally tell you whats bothering me and then you get mad and tell me to stop crying like a baby and to suck it up. Ive been hallucinating, depressed, anxious, i cant focus on anything, i have severe anger inside, i think i might be bipolar....
I told her i really wanted to go to the doctors to talk about it. Call me crazy, but i actually want to talk to a shrink. My mom is the only one who ever notices my ups and downs, and shes HORRIBLE at "understanding" and "caring". I think i am actually going crazy. She didnt help.
She just said i needed to get out more and not think about my worries, that im obviously convincing myself i have a mental problem. THE FUCK BITCH. ARE YOU BLIND?!?!? YOU THINK IM DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!She said i'm not allowed to tell the doctor about my hallucinations, because she doesnt want be going to the psychiatrist and getting meds and put in a mental hospital. I NEED to talk to somebody other than her, because everytime i talk to her i end up more depressed than before. She said i should tell her anything and everything. LIES. I'm never talking to her about my problems again. I'm not even going to suffer in silence like usual. Im gonna let my tempers flair when and where i want, im gonna SHOW her what she did to me. She said i get influenced on the internet too much, so she's probably gonna start looking through my history...GREAT.
I feel dead inside, i dont want to do anything but sit and cry. I never want to eat again, food doesnt bring happiness. WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND? WHY AM I SO ALONE? IM NOT CRAZY.
....am i?
....is it too much to ask that i just want someone to listen and care?

by the way, i took this depression test thingy...i know its not a diagnosis, but if anyone is interested in taking it, here it is: http://www.depressedtest.com/page3.html here were my results:
Major Depression: Very High
Dysthymia: Moderate
Bipolar: Extremely High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Disorder: Moderate

I need to skip school more often.

Eli took me to get bubble tea and we just decided to talk in the park afterwards (a skipped day at school haha). The sun was hitting his face so perfectly...
We talked about a lot of stuff. Youtube, food (haha), past relationships...and then he popped the question.
"You know, ive never seen you eat until now. Besides that time you had popcorn when we watched Silence of the Lambs."                                                                                                                                         "Well, i usually eat lunch when i get home..."
"Dont you get hungry during the day?"
"Not really, i mean sometimes i have a diet coke or apple or something."

To be honest, it kind of made me happy that he actually noticed i dont eat. Nobody else seems to notice, or care for that matter. Its like a secret that everyones keeping. Like theres a code that everyone around me follows. they arent allowed to mention my lack of food. Drinking the bubble tea was delicious, but it made me want to cry. So many calories enters my body. Why cant i just not feel the need to munch?

I think i really like this guy. He just makes me feel good. Of course, he also distracts me from thoughts of food. I want to be alone with him again. I want to hear his deep, caring voice. He makes me feel like cloud 9, a euphoria comes over me when im with him. All smiles. I dont smile much anymore, well, at least not for real. I suppose i lie to a lot of people. Even the ones i love. But they dont understand anyway, so i dont feel TOO guilty.

Exciting news!

I feel like ive been so MIA lately! Yes, i realize that i post like crazy, my last was made only 2 days ago. But thats like an eternity for me! I finally finished one of my essay assignments, and it took me like 2 hours; almost wasted my saturday. Until im done with this sudden avalanche of work, i'll probably make a post every other day. School first, you know?

Today was scary as shit! Our car stalled in the middle of a busy road on the way to mongolian BBQ for dinner. I thought it was going to blow up. Turns out our parents took us to dinner to make an announcement. They've decided to take in an exchange student from Korea! I'm super excited. Seeing as how Emie (being half korean), got me sucked into Kpop (great for thinspo, by the way), i know a lot about korean culture and food. I'm also planning to take Korean next year at community college for fun (I'm a dork). Apparently, they've known about this for a while, but they had to confirm it and everything. He should be arriving in about 2 weeks. What makes it even better is that it's a guy, and of course, i'm hoping he's hot. He should be arriving in about 2 weeks and staying until the end of the semester. Maybe he'll even pick up on some Hebrew while he's here ;) It'll be good for my dad to be around some male energy for a change. Let me tell you, being in a house with 5 women on their periods is NOT a fun time.

I didn't have lunch but ate a lot of vegetables at the BBQ place. I was also to lazy to wake up early for a jog. So typical. I gotta kick into starve mode so i can get to a nice, low weight by the end of the month. JOG JOG JOG. Does anybody happen to know where i can buy those heart/pulse keeping devices that tell you many calories you burn?

I forgot to mention this.
For some reason, my computer wont let me see who my followers are ! :( It's been like this for about a month. So the only way for me to be able to find and follow your blogs is when you comment.
Just a note ;)

Fuck me.

I binged today. I dont even know how many calories i consumed. Even worse, i should start my period any day now, which is making me crave like CRAZY. Here's what i had today:
1/2 apple
half of those canned sardines
A handful of trix cereal
1 1/2 french dip sandwiches (theyre kinda small so im TOO upset)
and then i had a small glass of milk and a bun from the sandwiches
I feel fucking huge. There's really no excuse. I just didn't have any willpower today, thats all. It's when we cook meals at home that i gain, because it doesnt happen everyday and its always so good. Also, i gain when we eat out. Im starting to like those days where all of us eat our own stuff...
Im going to make it up to myself my restricting my calories tomorrow. Ill only eat 300 or less. Its my punishment! Also, im going to go on a jog in the morning because it'll be way cooler then and i wont die of heat stroke.
The only good thing that happened to day was that vampire diaries and secret circle were on. (i know im a dork, but i love shows like these)
I hope you guys are doing better then i am at the moment! Only 2 more weeks to go before that final weigh in.

Ashamed.

A bunch of us girls went to Keira's house today. As usual, we decided to try our luck on omegle (because chatroulette is just annoying now). We did the usual whorey bra flashes and shit. We did the flirting. But the one thing on my mind was food. What was i going to have for my next meal, if anything?

Anyway, out of nowhere we started talking about masturbating, which made me very uncomfy. Juliete said she had been on a "sexcapade", and jacking off (is that even the right term for girls?) like a rabbit on speed. Most of the girls addmited to doing it. When they asked me personally, i gulped. I felt that little bead of sweat falling, i could feel the tension rising, i could FEEL that question coming.

Um..i guess.
Thats how i replied. Maybe we all feel different in the teenage years, but i literally feel like im broken. I had a horrible bike crash when i was 7 and almost had to get stitches down there from all the cuts. I mean, it looks fine now, im not embarrassed by my lady parts. I just feel like my clits broken. There, i said it. Maybe im just not "doing it" right, maybe i just dont know the proper way to get off. But ive never been able to hit the big O. ever. Do you think its possible i couldve broken a few nerves in my crash? I feel like im not capable of it.
Its not like im trying to achieve anything when i do masturbate, but it nevers happens.  i just want to know how my body reacts to things so that when i do end up doin the nasty, ill be prepared, at least somewhat.

busy busy busy.

I dont believe Ive ever posted this early before! wow. Im stressed out of my mind. Seriously, i swear i can feel my body bleeding and my brain turning to mush. I just had to take a break from it all. So i came here, because writing makes me feel so much calmer, helps me to forget my daily troubles.

Today, for instance,i wasnt going to have lunch. My mom and i got into a huge fight all because i woke her from her nap. To "make up for it" she made me  grilled cheese for lunch. she just sat there, waiting for me to eat it. I had no way of throwing it out, i couldn't refuse or she'd KNOW something was up. So i ate, and i cried on the inside because it probably had around 270 calories. 0 sounds much better than 270.

Why am i so stressed, you ask? I have one class discussion to prepare for, two 50 point essay question assignments, 4 poems to read and analyze, and THEN i have geometry, a French quiz to study for, plus study for a grammar test. Hand me the gun now! I literally have no free time. Yet, here i am surfing the web as usual.

I learned something in French today. The verb "grossir". It means to get fat, to gain weight. The first thing i noticed? The sneaky placement of the prefix GROSSir. Getting fat= gross. I admit, it made me chuckle a bit.
A sort of personal, dark joke of mine, i suppose.

Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

So painful!

i did my jog today. needless to say, it was SO painful. Seeing as how i have pretty bad asthma and im seriously out of shape, it was hell. I didnt jog the whole mile because it was so hot today and i just didnt want to cause a scene and all that (from fainting). It was nice at first, to just have that free feeling that running gives you. The fresh air, all the trees...To hear your heart pounding, every step making that annoying squeak. All those dogs barking as you run by...But then the fire starts up in my lungs and burns there, in my throat and along my shoulders. The burn didn't completely leave me until an hour after my jog was over. It sucked, to say the least. I breathed normally, and yet each breath in and out turned into 3 wheezes that i had no control over.

But, i burned calories, and thats whats important. i ate an apple for lunch and not much for dinner, so im really pleased with myself today! Watching all the ana documentaries made me feel like trying one of the diets out. I dont know if i would be able to do it without my fam noticing, but if any of you have a recomendation for a good diet, dont hesitate to let me know! ;)

I'll jog again on wednesday and im not really looking forward to it, but i just keep going. Someday ill be jogging several miles a day, thats my GOAL. I want to get there, i want to burn off fat. I just want to be fucking perfect. Whats that saying? You can do anything if you set your mind to it? Yeah, hopefully. (:

What do they think of us?

I just got curious. How do people without EDs see people like us? When i was younger, i went around preaching "Oh, how could they do that to their bodies? thats just awful! Why dont they just eat already? its not that hard. Oh, bulimics, theyre disgusting! why would you go and ruin your throat like that? whats so bad about swallowing food?"

But even then, there was a part of me that knew it was the way for me. I always knew i'd get caught up in this horrid cycle. So, i looked it up.

One person called it a "hellish illness". I really hate how people think its an illness. i dont perceive it that way! Its just a life-style choice. Its hard to choose to eat again, but its possible. Maybe some of you will disagree, but i feel like its ultimately a choice. It seems like most people just think its horrible and stupid. What they dont realize it not every girl with an ED is necessarily "skinny". some of us are using ED methods to REACH skinny. Like me, for instance :)

What did you think about EDs before you had one? I'd love to hear any stories you have :) It's so interesting to get a feel for everyone's personal experiences and feelings about ana/mia/etc.

IM SO STRESSED!

Intake:
I have no idea how many calories i took in today! I had 1/2 an apple, 2 mini meatballs with some rice, and some beans with 1 enchilada.
I probably took in a lot, but i plan to only eat an apple and something else tomorrow. plus, im going to run :)

ANYWHO. My dad almost found my thinspo stash today! He had to fix my printer's scanner for one of my assignments and when i walked in he was trying to find where the scanned PDFs would be. i was like FUCK!!! So i said, its ok dad ill find it later, it probably will tell me where it placed the thing. I haven't been hiding my thinspo pics, theyre there when you click "my pictures". who knows if he saw them!

We went out for mexican food tonight and it sucked mad balls. Not only because it's so fattening, but the whole place was just a mess and the food wasnt very good. I contemplated purging up the food...but truth be told, ive never actually forced a puke. It just grosses me out! I also dont know any tricks or, really, anything about doing it at all! I have 2 essays due next week and im stressed beyond belief. ive been really lazy and i feel so overwhelmed! I can't WAIT until tomorrow when i can hopefully start the week well :)

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

I took them down.

I'm sorry. If you never saw them, i'm sorry. i posted 4 pictures of my body earlier and i just need to take them down. i cant handle looking at myself anymore. When i took them, i thought "gee, i dont look too bad." but i do. I DO. there's no way i've lost weight over this month and i only have a couple weeks left until the end, when i will start weighing myself again. I basically drowned in my tears tonight. I want to punish myself.
So i went on youtube and watched tons of ana videos...
I found this comment on youtube to a video criticizing anas (or other eating disorders). its completely true!:

 Iwouldn't mind someone trying to understand our eating disorder but all they ever do is stare at it like "This is disgusting". Being called disgusting really doesn't help with our low self esteem. If your going to try and help, refrain from  judging.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

My hideous body...

Intake:
l: 1/2 of another one of those sandwiches i had yesterday- 150 cals ish
d: mandu soondubu chigae (thats korean spicy stew with dumplings and tofu)- i have noooo idea ill say 300
total: 450? i could be totally wrong about the soup...
                                                                                                                                                                        
I can't believe i'm actually doing this, but these are pictures of my body, in all its disgustingness. dont be too hard on my chunk of lard (i'm a poet and i don't even know it....i must be tired haha) I know i have pretty much the most disgusting figure ever and ill never have a nice one, but whatever. its because my hips are pretty narrow, im definitely no hourglass figure! Any fat on that short torso of mine shows up like CRAZY.
Also, i had to take these with a shit mirror in my garage so nobody would catch me taking them. sorry about the mess :)
So, here it goes...

I swear my mom is trying to kill me.

Intake:
l: 1/2 a sandwich- i have NO idea. i'll guess 150 cals
snack: 2 pickles with mustard- 0 cals
d: caramel mochiatto (short)-100 cals
anddd homemade pita chips with spice dip- 50 cals
the other half of that damn sandwich...- 150 cals ish
total: 450?

Ok, i wasn't gonna have the other half of the sandwich, but i thought i was going to the gym and i wouldve burned like 400 cals +!! Sadly, the vampire diaries premiere was on...and THEN they go and decide to air the premiere of the secret circle. WTF now i have to work out before dinner on thursdays! Although, it was kind of worth it haha Ok, but seriously, my mom is literally trying to kill me. See, i usually eat lunch after school gets out so i dont have to eat that horrid stuff in the cafeteria they call "food". Today she decided that pizza would be nice. NO NO NO NO im sure its at least 400 calories. AT LEAST. luckily, i avoided it and she got sandwiches instead. Still not the lowest cal thing, but whatever. and THEN she fucking brings home a doughnut for me. NO NO NO NO! i was able to resist the wonderful gooeyness...i planned on only having coffee for dinner. I love how great my plans turn out. I feel like a fucking porker, like a little piggy some fat hungry guy with a hairy ass is chasing. *shiver*

oh, and just wondering...how many calories do you think someone my size would burn in a 10 minute mile (jogging) ? If anyone knows, go ahead and let me know ;)

Pretty uneventful day.

My friends are REAL cool.

We all went to hang out at Landen's house this afternoon :)

(btw, no, i'm none of these people. )

Intake:

l: trix cereal (a binge..again)- 160 cals

d: pasta and some ground beef- unknown...ill just say 200

desert: 1 scone- 86 cals

total: 446 cals approx

Not too happy when i eat into the 400s, but i did swim for an hour, so some of that got burned off :)

So, my ana buddy Sophie has inspired me to post pictures of my body for you guys. I'm planning on doing that by the end of the week. Mind you, i look AWFUL right now because ive been chowing down on so much junk and not exercising. I especially hate my thighs and stomach...

In other news, i actually saw a cat fight today...it was hilarious! They were pulling each other's hair and calling each other sluts, whores, you know, the whole nine yards. The only probelm was that one of my best friends, Ever, was in it. Apparently the other girl found out her bf and Ever had hooked up a while back and she went ape shit. Duh, i was rooting for Ever. Honestly, she's a total whore, but she doesnt give a flying rat's ass about what people think. That's why we love her :)

so i'm a whore but you arent? cool.

Intake:

b: Trix cereal (very rare i have this!) with nonfat milk- 80 cals

l: pelmeni dumplings+ chicken broth- 70 cals

d: pizza...3 thin slices- ill just go with 200

pig out: 1 blueberry scone- approx 86 cals

total: 436 - Ive had better days...

Today was pretty shit. Turns out Carter did see me and Eli kiss and he wasn't happy about it. He basically called me a whore. "all you do is hop from guy to guy, you keep lying to everybody"

UGH.

It's not like me and him have ever dated. I know he does have real feelings for me, but i just use him as my backup, i just dont like him like that. i got pissed and just walked away. We aren't speaking, which i don't really mind. I just hate all this drama! Is he right, though? Am i really lying to everybody? Maybe...I mean, i make myself out to be this happy go lucky girl who's usually in a good mood. I don't catfight or anything, i would say im a pretty friendly person. But i guess nobody really knows the truth except for all you wonderful ladies :)

Also, i'm pretty sure Shai has a vibrator.

It's kind of hilarious. Where the hell did she get it? Are there vibrator dealers? where can i find one? haha

I just heard this weird buzzing sound...

I know my mom has 3. It's really gross when you suddenly come across your mom's "sex drawer", toys, and porn stash. YEAH...awkwarddd