Nice Seeing You Guys Again

I feel like shit. I've been getting fat and having so much boy trouble. I honestly just can't handle it anymore and i want to die. I rolled on friday night and that just made my depression worse. To make it better, my parents dont even believe im depressed and i have nobody to talk to about it. I'm scared, I'm very scared. Tomorrow I'm taking a couple oxys because i just cant deal with this pain anymore, I need to relax for a bit. I really like Matt, the guy i liked a couple years back, but he stopped talking to me and I don't know why. But I'm sure it's because i'm too ugly, too fat, too boring, and don't deserve him. I never get the guys I want. All i need is for someone to give a fuck! Why doesn't anybody understand or care? he is the only person i know who can relate to my insanity. All I want is him and to be skinny- because those two things will repair me. I never knew what it felt like to be alone and not loved until now and all I want to do is stop the misery.

A bunch of tips and my updated diet!

So, i've realized that there's no way i can eat the same thing everyday. It gets boring! Let's be honest, it just makes you crave what youre missing even more. Plus, my family knows i love to cook, so it's pretty suspicious when i suddenly only eat processed things that are low cal and easily tallied up. So I have a new plan, and i think it'll work! Basically, i'm going unofficially vegan and carb free. (minus the 25 cal cheese singles and 45 cal sara lee bread that i use for grilled cheeses) This way, i have an excuse to eat less. Plus, i'll consume more fruits and vegetables. I'll have the occasional fish and for the most part, will also stay far away from beans and such, unless im really craving something heavier.
I've also created an AMAZING tea recipe, and you'll love it (hopefully). If you miss soda or sweet drinks and juices, definitely give this a try. All you have to do is boil a couple of cinnamon sticks, a tea of your choice (i put in about a teaspoon of ceylon, a persian tea), some rose water, a packet of truvia or other sweetener, and if you like, some orange peels. It clocks in at 0 calories and its so delicious!
A couple other tips for you guys that work pretty well-
-leek soup. boil leeks, that's about it. it has a nice flavor and practically no calories.
-vinegar. take a shot if youre feeling hungry!
-capers. they are pretty low cal, but packed with flavor.
-pickles or pickle juice. no calories, and i find the stuff super yummy

This was more of a food update rather than a life one,  but hopefully it will encourage at least one person out there!

Raves, boys, and food struggles.

I can't believe i haven't posted in a couple weeks! woops. Not even gonna lie, it's not like my life has been hectic or anything- but the few things that are going on...well, they pretty much consume my thoughts.
My eating habits aren't too good at the moment. On the bright side, when i went to the doctor's today, i weighed 110. I'd obviously prefer a number like...ohhh, 105, 103, 98? But at least i'm slowly going back to my norm. I haven't stuck to my diet at all, although generally low cal. But i have a new plan, and if i do it for a week, i'll share it with you!
I went to my first rave last week and it was AMAZING. Actually, i don't think i've ever been more horny in my life. The beats, people, and energy was nothing short of insane. My friends all took e (specifically, mali) but it didn't really work. Me? I went sober, unfortunately. It was a rush because, for once, i rebelled against my parents. I said i was having a sleepover, but we actually just crashed in a friends car around 4 am, and went to the beach. I'm going to another one in august and i cant wait! Only problem is...I want to look hot this time. Which means i need to eat less and work out more. I've been doing an hour of walking everyday, and NEED to start pilates.
L...he doesn't seem as interested in me as before. He generally only replies to my texts once or twice, and it's starting to piss me off. He's liked me for forever, and now that i'm desperately wanting him for a hook up, he's become more distant. Part of me thinks that he's trying to keep his cool and not seem too anxious about it so as to not freak me out but...the pessimistic part of me (which is about 95%) thinks he just got bored with me :(

I'm sorry, so sorry...

I over ate today. There's basically nothing more to it. I ate a slice of flan for lunch and got hungry again, so i made plain ol' leek broth. for dinner, i ate some tomato sauce with a slice of bread (excluding the crust). As if i didn't feel guilty enough about the flan (considering i don't even know how many calories were in it!), i decided it was a great idea to eat a piece of sandwich bread with peanut butter spread on. I should really at least go back and get the bread that's only 90 calories a slice, it's not AS bad. That's what i ate on vaction for a week when i weighed 102. One slice of bread with some processed cheese and salami. Except, i'd stop there, so in reality, it was a very small amount of food- yet really satisfying!
I burned almost 200 calories and that's it. why? I got shin splints after 15 minutes on the treadmill. At least, that's what my mom says they are. I basically just feel shitty about myself today. Tomorrow, i need to go back to my old apple, miso soup, rice, and veggies diet. It worked quite nicely for about a week! My tummy just can't take the gluten anymore...i'm pretty positive that's why i've been in so much pain.
On the other hand, i feel great because i'm starting to feel guilty about eating anything and everything again! That's always the first step. Once you form that guilt reflex to eating, you just can't help but eat less and work out more. Too bad i can't work out for a couple days, lucky lucky me! I'm going to do a pilates dvd and then maybe a yoga dvd...that way i dont feel TOO horrendous.
I'll post again soon, probably an article filled with more teen angst, lust, and rage. Are you getting excited already? Honestly, you should calm down a bit.

Keep up your great work! Hey, i'm trying to be positive here...

I sold my soul and happy fathers day!

Before I get to the personal stuff (so you can leave if you dont care), i'll go ahead and tell you that i basically haven't stuck to either of my diets this week.On the bright side, i've worked out for at least half an hour every day this week, which is a start, i guess. Today was by far my worst day. I ate 2 small slices of pizza for lunch and for dinner....hold on to you chairs, ladies, i had ihop. Yup. corn, mashed potatoes, meat and onions, AND a pancake loaded with syrup. Needless to say, i feel awful about it. It was only 700 something calories!! I only exercised for about 45 minutes, burning about 360 calories. Although, it was so fucking HOT today, i'm pretty sure i sweated off the rest of those damn things. I went hiking in 100 degree weather, gross! then we went down south to enjoy the beach and ran around there.

Ok, so...i basically just signed up to get my lady bits violated. Remember L? yeah, well apparently i decided it was a fantastic idea to go to the movies. this got blown out of hand due to my horny nature at 3 in the morning...and, he wants to "hook up."  I told him he could do whatever he wanted. ohhh boy. I'm not even attracted to him, i'm just doing it because i'm desperate and i know he's been dying to get physical with me since middle school. I've always had a soft spot for him...he's like one of those people who is PERFECT for you except for one thing. I love his personality, his body, i can tell him anything! too bad he's not attractive at all. Poor thing has been breaking out pretty badly recently, i feel like he'd look decent without it. This situation gets more confusing every day...i'm digging myself into a pit of regret. but is it worth it to rid myself of sexual tension? I have no clue.

On the bright side, he gave me on of the best compliments ever: "you're so fucking skinny! it's amazing."
Made me cry, because it's not true. But, it's the thought that counts :)

Guess what? I worked out. I know, you're shocked.

Guess what? I actually worked out today. Crazy, right? Well it could just be because I had mall quality mongolian BBQ for lunch and, for dinner, a fucking pizza hut personal pizza. Oh, and two twix bars. The twix gave me 500 calories, and i have no clue about the other stuff. But for once, i actually feel accomplished. I might've burned it all off! I walked 8.24 miles on the treadmill, burned 329 fat calories, and 1042 calories. That's pretty fucking great, if i do say so myself. :]
Sadly, that came at a cost. I was on that damn machine for probably over 2 hours, and my heels started to bleed. Not to mention the fact that i felt a drip of sweat fall down my nose. Ew, gross, i know. go ahead and ignore that. I put band aids on my cuts, and i was so sweaty, they slid off. Yeah, i worked it pretty hard.
Planning to return to my soup diet tomorrow to get my stomach back on track. Ever since memorial day ive been over eating and never feeling full, never feeling hungry. so, an apple a day plus a can of progresso french onion soup, and my total calories clock in at around 180 per day. I'll try my best to stick to it for a week.
I'm planning to burn at least double the calories i eat in a day. That'll teach me to keep from reaching for those fatty pieces of cheese and bread.
Speaking of bread...I think my stomach may be acting up because of it. I mean, i think i might be hyper-sensitive to gluten. That would actually be a fantastic thing, considering breads and pastas are what tempt me, instead of chocolate or sweets like normal people!
I have so much more to say, but i'll just post again tomorrow. Hope this motivated at least one of you to get you ass to the gym! ;) It's bikini season, ladies. Let's show them how great we look...even if you still have some work to do, work harder, it's the only way... Tomorrow's also my weigh in, stay tuned. *cringe*

Failed day, i'm being honest.

I've decided I'm going to start being completely honest on this blog. I didn't even want to post today because I feel like a failure and ate WAY too much. I can't stand to look at blogs that say "i didn't do so great today, maybe tomorrow! Its a new day, right? stay strong, you can all accomplish your goals if you work hard enough."
I'm a pessimist when it comes down to it. I'm gonna tell it like it is. You guys can struggle and strive with me, or at least sit back and watch my nightmare...
Anyway, I burned 140 calories walking on the treadmill. I hula hooped for 20 minutes, I did a session of hip hop abs, and I did a 40 (?) minute DVD Pilates routine. I actually felt pretty great until dinner.4 pieces total of casserole ( i'm just going to call it that because it's Turkish. actually pretty healthy. It's called borek if you're curious). I also had some tzatziki and a little tomato salad. I hate leftovers from holidays.
I started a new meal plan a couple weeks ago, and found myself completely satisfied. But this week i have been  CRAVING. I'll go ahead and blame it on my period starting tomorrow :) yeah, those 5 cookies i ate can be blamed on my period, too. Hopefully you didn't just catch that...Ignore the chubby girl behind the curtain??

Meal Plan:
Breakfast:
1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)

Lunch:
1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)
1 cup of miso soup (with a bit of tofu)

Dinner:
Some rice (a cup? half a cup? I'm too lazy to measure)
1 cup of miso soup (with tofu)
Veggies (spinach, spinach, and more spinach. usually with some kimchi)

Dessert:
Only if i can't STAND it- i'll have a bit of fruit

I do let myself cheat each meal once a week (which hasn't been working out so well considering I can't always choose what I have for dinner, ohhh mom, stop screwing me over!)
I honestly don't know what more I can do, I feel like a porker.

...and the cycle repeats again

I feel like the fat consumes me...I'm sinking in it.
That's how I've felt for the past few months, even though it seems as if I've abandoned this dear, precious resource. It's worked before, I know that. When I was a power blogger a whole year ago, I weighed 103 pounds. I was shrinking fast, and it felt good. Then I gained, too much, I shot up to almost 130 pounds. Do you know how disgusting that feels? I know the secret is exercise. I'm not strong enough to just not eat. I NEED food, as horrible as it sounds. With memorial day and all...crazy over eating...I'm now clocking in at 118 pounds as of 5 days ago. I'm terrified to weigh myself...but I know that's what worked last time. I would speed walk for two hours a day- I just can't stand to run. I'm too weak, too out of shape, too fat, too lazy, too sick.

I wish we lived in a world where fat was beautiful, I really do...
But after being weighed at the doctors, and with the daunting prospect of summer (a time in which I am forced to reveal my body via bikini to countless guys, a time where I simply must shed off my non-form fitting clothes)
I feel connected here again. I knew my leaving wasn't for good, I knew better. I went months weighing between 108-110, indulging in whatever i wanted.
This is how it starts, it's the same cycle every time. I weigh too much, and I want to be thin again (even though I never reached my goal). It's such a hassle to walk for so long. When you first begin the starvation, you over eat. You snack until your belly is bloated, and still crave more shit. I'm going to break that today, as much as I possibly can. I'm going to burn every fucking calorie i consume, and THEN some. I will do it, I have no choice. Pilates, walking, jogging....I'll do it all. I'll starve. It'll mentally torture me. You know the feeling:
EAT ME EAT ME
I can't...
EAT ME EAT ME, ONE BITE WONT MATTER
I guess I'll just start eating better tomorrow...
THAT'S IT. EAT ME!

Before you know it, you've consumed a whole cake.

It stops today, Ladies. STOP IT. YOU CAN BEAT THE HUNGER. The struggle is what makes you strong.
Posts will become regular here, because blogging really is the only thing that keeps me going.

<3

Vaction's Over, back to reality!

So I got back from chicago about 2 weeks ago. Um....what happened while I was gone?!
I hate this new blogger layout. It always stressed me out like crazy when a social media site suddenly changes its looks!
I ate pretty well last night, but I've been being pretty bad today. I had a tomato bisque soup for lunch with a bunch of bread. Whatever, I had to get rid of that craving I've had forever. I'm starting a new exercise program that I found in one of my old seventeen magazines. What I like about it is it changes up the exercises. Trust me, i get BORED with exercises. So, we'll see how that goes!
I stress out this time of year, every year, because I know I need to look hot in summer. Can't wear a bikini when you look like a pig, right?
I told Eli we needed to take a break. I just wasn't feeling him anymore. So I don't know what'll happen now, my brain is just sizzling and I'm behind again in school. Worst thing is, I feel attracted to one of my old guy friends. I've never thought he was hot, I just liked flirting with him because he's wanted me for years. When we text, it's almost always about sexual stuff. It's weird how I can't talk to my friends much about sex, but I've told him everything! Part of me wants to experiment with him but....I feel like I'm doing it out of desperation. I don't want him to get hurt in the process if he starts getting feelings for me again!
UGH. what do i do ladies??

Happy Birthday to me...?

It's that wonderful time of year again. You know, the day you're basically forced to sit there and eat your heart out? Luckily, I managed to get out out a birthday cake this year again, considering I abhor the taste and texture of cake. But, the rents felt that I still needed a nice dessert, so they're just taking me for froyo. Hey, at least it's not THAT many calories.

I always dreamed I'd have a huge sweet sixteen party like my sisters did. But do I really have enough people to invite? No. This was my second year in public school, and although I have some good friends...I just don't know very many people still. I can't invite my old friends anyway, seeing as how they ignore me and leave me out of everything. 

So, Dinner with the family then...

Adding on to the pile of shit that is my life, I got a copy of my transcript. I found out that in 9th grade I got a B in PE. How the FUCK do you get a B in PE? Worst of all? That son of a bitch teacher lied to me. He told me I had a B, so I freaked out and asked how I could change it. I stayed after school for that ass hat. He said he'd consider raising me to an A. Wanna know why he gave me a B? Because I "missed too much school and never made up the work." Nobody fucking told me you could make it up. It's not my fault I'm sickly. When they showed me my grades that year, I only had 1 B in biology. where the fuck did this new grade come from?!

Needless to say, I'm pissed. My parents are going to kill me once they find out that I didn't pass the california high school exit exam ( which means i have to take that damn thing AGAIN). oh, and not to mention, because of this new B, I no longer have a 4.0 GPA. I have a 3.93. My life sucks.

Yeah, happy birthday to me.

100th Post! Fantasy Thinspo!

First, I just wanted to thank anyone who reads my blog, even if you haven't "followed" me :)
Coming to post 100 means I've been dealing with this whole thing for a while, so thanks for the support- especially those of you who were there for since day one. This is for you. <3

Sincerely, in need of exercise...

Why am I thinking of exercise today?
Because my mom decided it was a great idea to get burger king for breakfast. What's even worse than that? The fact that while I stuffed my face with grease, we had pre-cut chunks of watermelon sitting in the fridge. Yeah, horrible I know. I ended up eating 2 french toast sticks and about 4 mini hash browns. Luckily, I wasn't even allowed to eat the sandwich once my mom realized she accidentally ordered ones with bacon, which we don't eat, obviously. woohoo! 
I actually ended up never joining ballet because I'm going to take it at a community college. The problem is that now i need something to do! So I think I'm just going to do gymnastics again, even though I really love dance. Gymnastics should help me regain my flexibility. Sadly, I can't even start until my wrist heals (I twisted it). I wanted to start yoga to increase flexibility. Anyone who knows me knows that I've always wanted to learn contortion, but that I never get very far because it takes a lot of time.
Huhhh...I have 2 articles due for journalism and and essay due for english this week...so i'm stressed and breaking out a bit. I'm volunteering at the library 2 times this week, so im BUSYBUSYBUSY. See you lovely people later.
Oh, and what do YOU do for exercise? Let me know ;)

It's hard getting back in the swing of things!

I certainly haven't been starving myself recently...
Last night, I had corned beef for dinner. I'm not gonna lie, it was mouth-watering-ly delicious! I also had a shamrock shake from McDonalds for the first time.  It was ok, but thankfully i'm not craving another one.

Something horrible happened last night, though. I had a dream about E, my ex, which just makes me want him THAT much more. I literally haven't talked to him in a year, but I never get over guys easily. Never have never will, it's like a curse. I'm going to my old school's musical tonight with my family- and i hate to say it, but...I wish he'd go. Even if we don't talk, I would just like to see him in person again (haven't for some months now). What I would hate to see is his GF on his arm. That would piss me off! I'm not sure how long they've been together, but i think it's been off and on for a year or more. They were best friends since middle school, and I was always jealous of their connection.
UGH. I hate guys. They just suck. I just remember us liking each other SO much...and then i ruined it...psh typical. Trust me, I've tried locking up those feelings and memories deep inside me, locked in a box. But it never works, no matter how hard I try.

The worst part is...the fact that i'm dating Eli and having these crazy feelings for someone else who probably doesn't care anymore whether I'm dead or alive.

On the bright side, I think I'll just have fruit for dinner. For me, starving is my outlet, it's like cutting myself. Causing that pain and desire for food makes me forget about all the stress and problems in my life... Well, time to go off and write an essay! whoop. ee.

I'm back...hopefully

I can't believe how long it's been since i last posted! I haven't been keeping up with you guys, and for that i'm sorry. I'm not going to make excuses (even though i AM insanely busy), I simply slacked off. I post here when i feel skinny- when i feel like i've made progress. But for these last couple months...i dont know... I just fell off the wagon! I just feel so fat, and it seems like I get fatter every day. I literally haven't counted any calories in 3 or 4 months. SLACKER, i know. I mean, when I was really dedicated and focused, I would eat jello for lunch and a small rice bowl filled with some rice and veggies for dinner. No bread, no meat: simply SKINNY EATING. Now, I eat whatever I want and however much i want and i feel horrible. I'm trying...
In other news, I'm still with Eli, although I don't feel in love with him like i did before. Not sure where that will go! In april, my dad's taking me to chicago to look at some universities there and visit some family. In summer, we'll be going to the east coast for the same purpose. I got a volunteer job at the library, which is pretty fun. I don't have time to get a job until summer...can't take community college courses until next school year.

So yeah. you're pretty much caught up now! Months ago, i was working on a thinspiration, so hopefully i'll be back on here in a couple days to post it! :)
Good luck ladies...

My stats...*cringe*

thck= thickest part of ____
thn= thinnest part of ____
Ok guys, these are the measurements and weights of...well, me. I know they're awful! But I finally decided that I can't just keep putting it off, it's just better that I know. It certainly makes me want to starve and work my ass off!
thck butt- 35 in
thn waist- 26in          <---- Victoria Beckham is a 23in waist!! :O
forearm- 7 3/4 in
upper arm- 9 in
wrist- 5 3/4 in
thck, thn calve- 12 1/2 in, 8 in
thck, thn thigh- 20 in, 14 in
hips (like where pants and underwear usually come to)- 32 in
rib cage (right below bust)- 29 in
Weight- 108.2
I'm not sure how tall I am, because they usually say i'm 5'3.5", but last time they measured me as 5'3". ummm did i seriously SHRINK?
and i just measured myself and seemed to get about 5'3.75", so basically my BMI should be between 18.6 and 18.9.
a BMI of under 18.5 is UNDERWEIGHT. am i actually suppose to believe that? I am NOT close to being underweight!!
My first goal is, again, 105, which will give me a BMI of 18
Then, my goal is 100, which will give me a BMI of 17.2!!!
(If i consider myself 5'4", that is)


So, there you have it. I've completely revealed myself to you all! It actually feels a bit nice to have everything out in the open, but i still feel like a fucking whale. Oh well xD
Stay strong ladies!

Runway Thinspo!

I feel like EVERYBODY does real girl thinspos recently. But you know what? Runway models are pros at staying perfect and thin! I think they're just amazing photos, and super inspiring. The thing is that these girls are "real" too. If they can do it, we should all be able to too! Did you hear that? YOU can do this, girlfriend!