Wednesday, May 30, 2012

...and the cycle repeats again

I feel like the fat consumes me...I'm sinking in it.
That's how I've felt for the past few months, even though it seems as if I've abandoned this dear, precious resource. It's worked before, I know that. When I was a power blogger a whole year ago, I weighed 103 pounds. I was shrinking fast, and it felt good. Then I gained, too much, I shot up to almost 130 pounds. Do you know how disgusting that feels? I know the secret is exercise. I'm not strong enough to just not eat. I NEED food, as horrible as it sounds. With memorial day and all...crazy over eating...I'm now clocking in at 118 pounds as of 5 days ago. I'm terrified to weigh myself...but I know that's what worked last time. I would speed walk for two hours a day- I just can't stand to run. I'm too weak, too out of shape, too fat, too lazy, too sick.

I wish we lived in a world where fat was beautiful, I really do...
But after being weighed at the doctors, and with the daunting prospect of summer (a time in which I am forced to reveal my body via bikini to countless guys, a time where I simply must shed off my non-form fitting clothes)
I feel connected here again. I knew my leaving wasn't for good, I knew better. I went months weighing between 108-110, indulging in whatever i wanted.
This is how it starts, it's the same cycle every time. I weigh too much, and I want to be thin again (even though I never reached my goal). It's such a hassle to walk for so long. When you first begin the starvation, you over eat. You snack until your belly is bloated, and still crave more shit. I'm going to break that today, as much as I possibly can. I'm going to burn every fucking calorie i consume, and THEN some. I will do it, I have no choice. Pilates, walking, jogging....I'll do it all. I'll starve. It'll mentally torture me. You know the feeling:
I can't...
I guess I'll just start eating better tomorrow...

Before you know it, you've consumed a whole cake.

It stops today, Ladies. STOP IT. YOU CAN BEAT THE HUNGER. The struggle is what makes you strong.
Posts will become regular here, because blogging really is the only thing that keeps me going.



  1. Amazing. I definitely know how that feels. I'm really starting to stress about summer and bikinis but for some reason I keep putting it off another day. Making excuses that I have too much homework or I'll start after school gets out -___-
    I always read your blogs :)

  2. Thanks so much! That means a lot to me and it feels good to know i'm not the only one :)