2 more days till the whale (me) gets weighed!

I did ok. I ended up having an apple, a doughnut... i mean, you totally didn't hear that one! Awkward. I also had some korean cold ramyon, which was about 160 cals. Not too bad! Anyways, Me and my friends went out for bubble tea again, sadly Eli couldnt come. Of course, i didn't eat anything :) Some little twerp was staring at us for the longest fucking time. I eventually snapped, turned around and yelled "Ya know, i can play the staring game too!"
His mama got all pissed and called me rude. HAH. fuck that! I'm not the one staring at innocent civilians like a deer in the headlights.
All the girls are getting pumped for homecoming. Personally, i think dances are pretty damn boring. Id rather be alone with my date in a hot tub (which is a big deal since im so self concious) instead of being forced to slut dance all night until im as sweaty as an obese man running a marathon. I'm hoping Eli will ask me but i'm sure there are better girls he could ask...
Plus, Ever's throwing this Halloween party and im going, but ill have to lie to get there. (not allowed to celebrate Halloween and all...) There's just way too much going on this month!
I didnt end up going for a jog today because im lazy. There's really no excuse. Im practically shitting bricks in anticipation for saturday's weigh in. If i'm over 108, im gonna be SO mad at myself. I want to be below 100 again! I havent been that light since like...6th grade or something.
For those of you who are new followers, i havent weighed myself for a month. Yeah, im a lunatic, i know. It will never happen again! I thought it would keep me motivated, but it just made me lazy as fuck. From now on, it'll be back to my weekly weigh ins. (:
And thanks for all your lovely comments on my thinspo, and big welcome to any new followers! You guys really do keep me motivated, its so great to have a support group. Off to bed now, cheerio! (does anybody actually say that?)

Emotive Thinspo and update

My parents agreed to let me get into some form of art again. I claimed it was for exercise, but obviously i want it to help me lose weight too! I'm going to take a high school gymnastics class so i can try and gain my flexibility back before i even attempt to try out for rhythmic gymnastics. Im so pumped!

I think i'll look into rhythmic by the end of this year because i need at LEAST a few months to work on my tricks. I really hope i'll qualify for at least the advanced level, otherwise i'll be in a class with a bunch of 6-8 year olds...

I'm not sure when i'll start, but hopefully soon! I'll keep you guys posted ;)

Only 2 more days until my weigh in!

Wish me luck :)                                                                                         

Im trying to be happy. I really am.

I think i'm feeling a lot better today. I tried to smile and stuff, you know? It's not like i'm happy being depressed all the time, nor do i try and make myself depressed. My friends all love my dad and hate my mom. She's just really...intense and judgemental. I think she watches too much TV. She just says she knows eveything about teenage physcocolgy and convinces herself that she understands all my problems, which she totally doesn't. One time i was at Julity's house and my mom was parked outside to pick me up...Julity waved to my mom from her window. When i got in the car my mom started
yelling at me. "Why is that girl so suspicious? What were you up to that she did that? Did you guys sneak out in the middle of the night to go to the club?! she's a bad influence on you. You better not be getting drugs from her." That's pretty much how she is all the time.

I was too busy to jog today but i really am going to try to wake up early so i can do it in the morning before it gets all hot. I think i should get involved with something again. I just don't enjoy running much because it's so painful and my inhaler doesnt help much. I need to do something i enjoy again.
I'm thinking of either getting back into dance or rythmic gymnastics (which i did for like a year when i was younger). I'm just not sure how my parents will respond. If i do rythmic, i'll end up being with really young girls just because i've lost most of my flexibility over the years. I guess i should start training myself again...

My mom hasnt scheduled an appointment with the doc yet. I kind of feel like she'll forget, as usual. (Memory loss must run in the family haha) But the weird thing is i'm terrified of telling the doctor what's wrong because i don't even know where to begin. I dont even know if i HAVE a mental illness, maybe i'm just troubled. What the fuck should i say? Oh yeah doc, i cant concentrate on anything and ive been yelling for no reason, with severe anger. I forget to do everything and im so fucking anxious. Not to mention the hallucinations.

I just don't even know where i'd start...what am i really trying to gain by going there?

Parents never fucking understand.

I literally want to kill myself. I literally want to end it all. My mom talked to me tonight...about everything. It took like 5 hours, no joke. She pulled me aside and locked me in a room with her. She asked me why im so depressed lately, because she's been "worried". fucking great parenting. So, i finally tell you whats bothering me and then you get mad and tell me to stop crying like a baby and to suck it up. Ive been hallucinating, depressed, anxious, i cant focus on anything, i have severe anger inside, i think i might be bipolar....
I told her i really wanted to go to the doctors to talk about it. Call me crazy, but i actually want to talk to a shrink. My mom is the only one who ever notices my ups and downs, and shes HORRIBLE at "understanding" and "caring". I think i am actually going crazy. She didnt help.
She just said i needed to get out more and not think about my worries, that im obviously convincing myself i have a mental problem. THE FUCK BITCH. ARE YOU BLIND?!?!? YOU THINK IM DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!She said i'm not allowed to tell the doctor about my hallucinations, because she doesnt want be going to the psychiatrist and getting meds and put in a mental hospital. I NEED to talk to somebody other than her, because everytime i talk to her i end up more depressed than before. She said i should tell her anything and everything. LIES. I'm never talking to her about my problems again. I'm not even going to suffer in silence like usual. Im gonna let my tempers flair when and where i want, im gonna SHOW her what she did to me. She said i get influenced on the internet too much, so she's probably gonna start looking through my history...GREAT.
I feel dead inside, i dont want to do anything but sit and cry. I never want to eat again, food doesnt bring happiness. WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND? WHY AM I SO ALONE? IM NOT CRAZY.
....am i?
....is it too much to ask that i just want someone to listen and care?

by the way, i took this depression test thingy...i know its not a diagnosis, but if anyone is interested in taking it, here it is: http://www.depressedtest.com/page3.html here were my results:
Major Depression: Very High
Dysthymia: Moderate
Bipolar: Extremely High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Disorder: Moderate

I need to skip school more often.

Eli took me to get bubble tea and we just decided to talk in the park afterwards (a skipped day at school haha). The sun was hitting his face so perfectly...
We talked about a lot of stuff. Youtube, food (haha), past relationships...and then he popped the question.
"You know, ive never seen you eat until now. Besides that time you had popcorn when we watched Silence of the Lambs."                                                                                                                                         "Well, i usually eat lunch when i get home..."
"Dont you get hungry during the day?"
"Not really, i mean sometimes i have a diet coke or apple or something."

To be honest, it kind of made me happy that he actually noticed i dont eat. Nobody else seems to notice, or care for that matter. Its like a secret that everyones keeping. Like theres a code that everyone around me follows. they arent allowed to mention my lack of food. Drinking the bubble tea was delicious, but it made me want to cry. So many calories enters my body. Why cant i just not feel the need to munch?

I think i really like this guy. He just makes me feel good. Of course, he also distracts me from thoughts of food. I want to be alone with him again. I want to hear his deep, caring voice. He makes me feel like cloud 9, a euphoria comes over me when im with him. All smiles. I dont smile much anymore, well, at least not for real. I suppose i lie to a lot of people. Even the ones i love. But they dont understand anyway, so i dont feel TOO guilty.

Exciting news!

I feel like ive been so MIA lately! Yes, i realize that i post like crazy, my last was made only 2 days ago. But thats like an eternity for me! I finally finished one of my essay assignments, and it took me like 2 hours; almost wasted my saturday. Until im done with this sudden avalanche of work, i'll probably make a post every other day. School first, you know?

Today was scary as shit! Our car stalled in the middle of a busy road on the way to mongolian BBQ for dinner. I thought it was going to blow up. Turns out our parents took us to dinner to make an announcement. They've decided to take in an exchange student from Korea! I'm super excited. Seeing as how Emie (being half korean), got me sucked into Kpop (great for thinspo, by the way), i know a lot about korean culture and food. I'm also planning to take Korean next year at community college for fun (I'm a dork). Apparently, they've known about this for a while, but they had to confirm it and everything. He should be arriving in about 2 weeks. What makes it even better is that it's a guy, and of course, i'm hoping he's hot. He should be arriving in about 2 weeks and staying until the end of the semester. Maybe he'll even pick up on some Hebrew while he's here ;) It'll be good for my dad to be around some male energy for a change. Let me tell you, being in a house with 5 women on their periods is NOT a fun time.

I didn't have lunch but ate a lot of vegetables at the BBQ place. I was also to lazy to wake up early for a jog. So typical. I gotta kick into starve mode so i can get to a nice, low weight by the end of the month. JOG JOG JOG. Does anybody happen to know where i can buy those heart/pulse keeping devices that tell you many calories you burn?

I forgot to mention this.
For some reason, my computer wont let me see who my followers are ! :( It's been like this for about a month. So the only way for me to be able to find and follow your blogs is when you comment.
Just a note ;)