I'm slowly healing

First of all, thank you so much to those of you that offered your words of wisdom and love, I really appreciate it! I told his best friend to tell my ex happy birthday. He said that my ex has been really off lately and he's not sure what's going on, I noticed it too a week ago. He didn't actually know why we broke up, so I explained to him all that about "I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now" and "I'm going through a lot of shit and i really don't want to talk about it, it's embarrassing." He told me that if he were to guess why the breakup happened, it's probably because my ex he thinks he isn't good enough.
That just kills me. He's very troubled, and has survived suicide 2 or 3 times so I know he actually is very hurt and struggling at home and within his own head, but wouldn't letting me go end up hurting him more? This is why I'm frustrated; I don't understand his reasoning.
After I saw the way he looked opposite of his friends and watched me yesterday on and off all through lunch, I'm not going to give up on him until he literally says to my face that he doesn't want me. Why? Because if I were in his position, I wouldn't want him to give up on me either. I think that may be what he needs, he needs someone to fight for him. I could be very wrong, but I don't believe that he lost his feelings for me.
I haven't been exercising due to finals and all, but next week I think I'm going to start again. Thanks to the break up, I've really lost my appetite and because by stomach is so uneasy and nervous at school, food really makes me feel sick. On Thursday, I had and apple for lunch and a plain milk tea (small size, of course!) for dinner with a small sweet bun. Yesterday, I had an apple for lunch and ramen at a ramen shop for dinner, of which something like 70% is broth, so I'm really not kicking myself for that. It is weird if I say that I can already tell I look less bloated? Pictures may come soon. Good luck with your progress, ladies! I promise I will be ok (:

I'm Back, I Hope

Do you ever just want to kill everyone around you? Am I the only one who gets fed up with the fake and changing people in this world? I'm tired of it. Sick and tired. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even sure why certain people piss me off...I'm just drowning in the sadness and hate. 

I've been gone for probably a year or so from this blog, but it seems to be the only place where people won't judge me for expressing myself. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine and haven't been eating well at all, but my inner ana comes out to say hi every so many months. I suddenly notice all the shit I'm putting into my body. 

I moved schools this semester and the friends I made at first began to ask me if I have an eating disorder because I would never eat during the day (at least not in front of anyone). Do you know how HAPPY it made me that for once people noticed my suffering and struggles? Of course, I denied it, and now they've seen me eat enough times for their superstitions to be stomped.

I have a boyfriend now, and that's causing me to revert to the depressed and fat person I used to be, although I don't think she ever left. I want to have a better body for him, so I'm trying to force myself back into this secret world so I can actually make progress for once. So many of you have abandoned your blogs like I did, but I can never forget what I've learned here and the progress that I documented is precious, because it IS possible to lose weights, guys, it is. You just need to be strong and stick to your diets and exercise for long enough! 

2 more days till the whale (me) gets weighed!

I did ok. I ended up having an apple, a doughnut... i mean, you totally didn't hear that one! Awkward. I also had some korean cold ramyon, which was about 160 cals. Not too bad! Anyways, Me and my friends went out for bubble tea again, sadly Eli couldnt come. Of course, i didn't eat anything :) Some little twerp was staring at us for the longest fucking time. I eventually snapped, turned around and yelled "Ya know, i can play the staring game too!"
His mama got all pissed and called me rude. HAH. fuck that! I'm not the one staring at innocent civilians like a deer in the headlights.
All the girls are getting pumped for homecoming. Personally, i think dances are pretty damn boring. Id rather be alone with my date in a hot tub (which is a big deal since im so self concious) instead of being forced to slut dance all night until im as sweaty as an obese man running a marathon. I'm hoping Eli will ask me but i'm sure there are better girls he could ask...
Plus, Ever's throwing this Halloween party and im going, but ill have to lie to get there. (not allowed to celebrate Halloween and all...) There's just way too much going on this month!
I didnt end up going for a jog today because im lazy. There's really no excuse. Im practically shitting bricks in anticipation for saturday's weigh in. If i'm over 108, im gonna be SO mad at myself. I want to be below 100 again! I havent been that light since like...6th grade or something.
For those of you who are new followers, i havent weighed myself for a month. Yeah, im a lunatic, i know. It will never happen again! I thought it would keep me motivated, but it just made me lazy as fuck. From now on, it'll be back to my weekly weigh ins. (:
And thanks for all your lovely comments on my thinspo, and big welcome to any new followers! You guys really do keep me motivated, its so great to have a support group. Off to bed now, cheerio! (does anybody actually say that?)

Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

So painful!

i did my jog today. needless to say, it was SO painful. Seeing as how i have pretty bad asthma and im seriously out of shape, it was hell. I didnt jog the whole mile because it was so hot today and i just didnt want to cause a scene and all that (from fainting). It was nice at first, to just have that free feeling that running gives you. The fresh air, all the trees...To hear your heart pounding, every step making that annoying squeak. All those dogs barking as you run by...But then the fire starts up in my lungs and burns there, in my throat and along my shoulders. The burn didn't completely leave me until an hour after my jog was over. It sucked, to say the least. I breathed normally, and yet each breath in and out turned into 3 wheezes that i had no control over.

But, i burned calories, and thats whats important. i ate an apple for lunch and not much for dinner, so im really pleased with myself today! Watching all the ana documentaries made me feel like trying one of the diets out. I dont know if i would be able to do it without my fam noticing, but if any of you have a recomendation for a good diet, dont hesitate to let me know! ;)

I'll jog again on wednesday and im not really looking forward to it, but i just keep going. Someday ill be jogging several miles a day, thats my GOAL. I want to get there, i want to burn off fat. I just want to be fucking perfect. Whats that saying? You can do anything if you set your mind to it? Yeah, hopefully. (:

What do they think of us?

I just got curious. How do people without EDs see people like us? When i was younger, i went around preaching "Oh, how could they do that to their bodies? thats just awful! Why dont they just eat already? its not that hard. Oh, bulimics, theyre disgusting! why would you go and ruin your throat like that? whats so bad about swallowing food?"

But even then, there was a part of me that knew it was the way for me. I always knew i'd get caught up in this horrid cycle. So, i looked it up.

One person called it a "hellish illness". I really hate how people think its an illness. i dont perceive it that way! Its just a life-style choice. Its hard to choose to eat again, but its possible. Maybe some of you will disagree, but i feel like its ultimately a choice. It seems like most people just think its horrible and stupid. What they dont realize it not every girl with an ED is necessarily "skinny". some of us are using ED methods to REACH skinny. Like me, for instance :)

What did you think about EDs before you had one? I'd love to hear any stories you have :) It's so interesting to get a feel for everyone's personal experiences and feelings about ana/mia/etc.

IM SO STRESSED!

Intake:
I have no idea how many calories i took in today! I had 1/2 an apple, 2 mini meatballs with some rice, and some beans with 1 enchilada.
I probably took in a lot, but i plan to only eat an apple and something else tomorrow. plus, im going to run :)

ANYWHO. My dad almost found my thinspo stash today! He had to fix my printer's scanner for one of my assignments and when i walked in he was trying to find where the scanned PDFs would be. i was like FUCK!!! So i said, its ok dad ill find it later, it probably will tell me where it placed the thing. I haven't been hiding my thinspo pics, theyre there when you click "my pictures". who knows if he saw them!

We went out for mexican food tonight and it sucked mad balls. Not only because it's so fattening, but the whole place was just a mess and the food wasnt very good. I contemplated purging up the food...but truth be told, ive never actually forced a puke. It just grosses me out! I also dont know any tricks or, really, anything about doing it at all! I have 2 essays due next week and im stressed beyond belief. ive been really lazy and i feel so overwhelmed! I can't WAIT until tomorrow when i can hopefully start the week well :)

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

My hideous body...

Intake:
l: 1/2 of another one of those sandwiches i had yesterday- 150 cals ish
d: mandu soondubu chigae (thats korean spicy stew with dumplings and tofu)- i have noooo idea ill say 300
total: 450? i could be totally wrong about the soup...
                                                                                                                                                                        
I can't believe i'm actually doing this, but these are pictures of my body, in all its disgustingness. dont be too hard on my chunk of lard (i'm a poet and i don't even know it....i must be tired haha) I know i have pretty much the most disgusting figure ever and ill never have a nice one, but whatever. its because my hips are pretty narrow, im definitely no hourglass figure! Any fat on that short torso of mine shows up like CRAZY.
Also, i had to take these with a shit mirror in my garage so nobody would catch me taking them. sorry about the mess :)
So, here it goes...

I swear my mom is trying to kill me.

Intake:
l: 1/2 a sandwich- i have NO idea. i'll guess 150 cals
snack: 2 pickles with mustard- 0 cals
d: caramel mochiatto (short)-100 cals
anddd homemade pita chips with spice dip- 50 cals
the other half of that damn sandwich...- 150 cals ish
total: 450?

Ok, i wasn't gonna have the other half of the sandwich, but i thought i was going to the gym and i wouldve burned like 400 cals +!! Sadly, the vampire diaries premiere was on...and THEN they go and decide to air the premiere of the secret circle. WTF now i have to work out before dinner on thursdays! Although, it was kind of worth it haha Ok, but seriously, my mom is literally trying to kill me. See, i usually eat lunch after school gets out so i dont have to eat that horrid stuff in the cafeteria they call "food". Today she decided that pizza would be nice. NO NO NO NO im sure its at least 400 calories. AT LEAST. luckily, i avoided it and she got sandwiches instead. Still not the lowest cal thing, but whatever. and THEN she fucking brings home a doughnut for me. NO NO NO NO! i was able to resist the wonderful gooeyness...i planned on only having coffee for dinner. I love how great my plans turn out. I feel like a fucking porker, like a little piggy some fat hungry guy with a hairy ass is chasing. *shiver*

oh, and just wondering...how many calories do you think someone my size would burn in a 10 minute mile (jogging) ? If anyone knows, go ahead and let me know ;)

Pretty uneventful day.

My friends are REAL cool.

We all went to hang out at Landen's house this afternoon :)

(btw, no, i'm none of these people. )

Intake:

l: trix cereal (a binge..again)- 160 cals

d: pasta and some ground beef- unknown...ill just say 200

desert: 1 scone- 86 cals

total: 446 cals approx

Not too happy when i eat into the 400s, but i did swim for an hour, so some of that got burned off :)

So, my ana buddy Sophie has inspired me to post pictures of my body for you guys. I'm planning on doing that by the end of the week. Mind you, i look AWFUL right now because ive been chowing down on so much junk and not exercising. I especially hate my thighs and stomach...

In other news, i actually saw a cat fight today...it was hilarious! They were pulling each other's hair and calling each other sluts, whores, you know, the whole nine yards. The only probelm was that one of my best friends, Ever, was in it. Apparently the other girl found out her bf and Ever had hooked up a while back and she went ape shit. Duh, i was rooting for Ever. Honestly, she's a total whore, but she doesnt give a flying rat's ass about what people think. That's why we love her :)

so i'm a whore but you arent? cool.

Intake:

b: Trix cereal (very rare i have this!) with nonfat milk- 80 cals

l: pelmeni dumplings+ chicken broth- 70 cals

d: pizza...3 thin slices- ill just go with 200

pig out: 1 blueberry scone- approx 86 cals

total: 436 - Ive had better days...

Today was pretty shit. Turns out Carter did see me and Eli kiss and he wasn't happy about it. He basically called me a whore. "all you do is hop from guy to guy, you keep lying to everybody"

UGH.

It's not like me and him have ever dated. I know he does have real feelings for me, but i just use him as my backup, i just dont like him like that. i got pissed and just walked away. We aren't speaking, which i don't really mind. I just hate all this drama! Is he right, though? Am i really lying to everybody? Maybe...I mean, i make myself out to be this happy go lucky girl who's usually in a good mood. I don't catfight or anything, i would say im a pretty friendly person. But i guess nobody really knows the truth except for all you wonderful ladies :)

Also, i'm pretty sure Shai has a vibrator.

It's kind of hilarious. Where the hell did she get it? Are there vibrator dealers? where can i find one? haha

I just heard this weird buzzing sound...

I know my mom has 3. It's really gross when you suddenly come across your mom's "sex drawer", toys, and porn stash. YEAH...awkwarddd

When it rains, it pours.

I've been so depressed today! I literally spent all of today and yesterday crying myself to sleep. I just chained myself in my room, basically. I just feel...unloved. unnoticed. I ate 2 jello cups today (20 cals) and some plain pasta for dinner (50?). I just wasn't hungry after today's crying and the big pig out. 
                                                                                                                                                             Yesterday, my grandfather had his retirement party. He owns a winery up in Napa but didn't want to work so much anymore, so he gave the keys to winery,ceremoniously, to my uncle. Weird because my dad was originally going to inherit it, but he ended up landing CEO of a software company. Being there just made me depressed though. I had to get all fancied up and i just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Plus, i ate way too much...although, no sweets, so thats good. Hadar brought her boyfriend along. Of course, he's perfect, like her.                                             
She pisses me off sometimes. My parents love her the most because she's never doing anything wrong, she's never partying or causing trouble. She just studies and dances all day. It's weird that she's so popular, even though she's not what i would call "cool". It's probably just because she's so pretty and has an amazing body. There's only one girl like that who i know in my grade, my competition. I'm pretty sure she's after Eli and i just don't know if I'm good enough for him :( Maybe he wants somebody prettier, thinner, and apparently, with a shit personality.

My Fantastic Friday.

Intake:
lunch: pelmeni dumplings in broth- about 90 calories
snack: one of those flaky biscuits- probably about 100 calories
dinner: fruit, some cod, one cup of jello- im guessing 200 calories?
Total: 390 ISH
The hard thing about writing down my intake is that my family eats pretty diverse dinners, usually nothing packaged, all freshly made. So when my mom makes a salad with her own dressing, pita, rice, seasoned meats, vegetable dishes...its REALLY hard to determine how many calories i had. Especially since there's no "serving size" for homemade meals. Really sorry about that, i'll try harder :]

The movie party was a total success! We ended up watching Silence of The Lambs, so of course i acted scared and grabbed onto Eli. He has his "man cave" with a pool table and everything, its really awesome! Afterwards, we all decided to jump into the hottub, which was AMAZING. He put his arm around me and the most amazing thing happened...we had a thunderstorm with lightning and everything. It's crazy beautiful! I'm sure i sound like a complete freak, but it's really rare to have thunder/lightning is the SF bay area. Last time i saw a storm, i was 7! When everyone started to go back in the house because of the rain, i made my move :]

I just took a chance and looked into his eyes, pulled him into me. It was an amazing kiss, he definetly accepted. I decided not to take it too far and didnt go for a full-on make out since we're supposed to just be "friendly". I think Carter(the boy toy) saw it though, which kind of worries me because i know he actually likes me...but, on the bright side: i can officially say i've been kissed in the rain. :)

Bra and Undies Thinspo!

Live each day as your last

If you were dying tomorrow...

you'd want to fit into that bikini, right?

The chip you just ate WILL make a difference.

Keep climbing those stairs...

The top may seem to be far away now,

but eventually you'll get there.

You might get out of breathe

You might feel exhuasted

You might be in pain

You might be hungry

But keep moving.

Nobody said life was gonna be easy

Perfection doesn't really exist, remember?

You know what they say: Beauty is pain.

So keep your head up

Take those last few steps

You'll be happy you did

Fat girls don't get the guys

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

Just wait until you feel those bones...

until there's nothing to grab at...

you will be beautiful

you can see that light at the end of the stairs.

It's called happiness. 

Do you really want to be "the fat one"?

Are you a cow?

MOO MOO

You'll never look this great until you start trying

Don't use "tomorrow" as an excuse

You're lying to yourself, and you know it!

Put the twinkie down, girlfriend!

Youre weak.

Stop being a coward!

Make a change TODAY

Because tomorrow might never come.