I'm Back, I Hope

Do you ever just want to kill everyone around you? Am I the only one who gets fed up with the fake and changing people in this world? I'm tired of it. Sick and tired. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even sure why certain people piss me off...I'm just drowning in the sadness and hate. 

I've been gone for probably a year or so from this blog, but it seems to be the only place where people won't judge me for expressing myself. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine and haven't been eating well at all, but my inner ana comes out to say hi every so many months. I suddenly notice all the shit I'm putting into my body. 

I moved schools this semester and the friends I made at first began to ask me if I have an eating disorder because I would never eat during the day (at least not in front of anyone). Do you know how HAPPY it made me that for once people noticed my suffering and struggles? Of course, I denied it, and now they've seen me eat enough times for their superstitions to be stomped.

I have a boyfriend now, and that's causing me to revert to the depressed and fat person I used to be, although I don't think she ever left. I want to have a better body for him, so I'm trying to force myself back into this secret world so I can actually make progress for once. So many of you have abandoned your blogs like I did, but I can never forget what I've learned here and the progress that I documented is precious, because it IS possible to lose weights, guys, it is. You just need to be strong and stick to your diets and exercise for long enough! 

2 more days till the whale (me) gets weighed!

I did ok. I ended up having an apple, a doughnut... i mean, you totally didn't hear that one! Awkward. I also had some korean cold ramyon, which was about 160 cals. Not too bad! Anyways, Me and my friends went out for bubble tea again, sadly Eli couldnt come. Of course, i didn't eat anything :) Some little twerp was staring at us for the longest fucking time. I eventually snapped, turned around and yelled "Ya know, i can play the staring game too!"
His mama got all pissed and called me rude. HAH. fuck that! I'm not the one staring at innocent civilians like a deer in the headlights.
All the girls are getting pumped for homecoming. Personally, i think dances are pretty damn boring. Id rather be alone with my date in a hot tub (which is a big deal since im so self concious) instead of being forced to slut dance all night until im as sweaty as an obese man running a marathon. I'm hoping Eli will ask me but i'm sure there are better girls he could ask...
Plus, Ever's throwing this Halloween party and im going, but ill have to lie to get there. (not allowed to celebrate Halloween and all...) There's just way too much going on this month!
I didnt end up going for a jog today because im lazy. There's really no excuse. Im practically shitting bricks in anticipation for saturday's weigh in. If i'm over 108, im gonna be SO mad at myself. I want to be below 100 again! I havent been that light since like...6th grade or something.
For those of you who are new followers, i havent weighed myself for a month. Yeah, im a lunatic, i know. It will never happen again! I thought it would keep me motivated, but it just made me lazy as fuck. From now on, it'll be back to my weekly weigh ins. (:
And thanks for all your lovely comments on my thinspo, and big welcome to any new followers! You guys really do keep me motivated, its so great to have a support group. Off to bed now, cheerio! (does anybody actually say that?)

IM SO STRESSED!

Intake:
I have no idea how many calories i took in today! I had 1/2 an apple, 2 mini meatballs with some rice, and some beans with 1 enchilada.
I probably took in a lot, but i plan to only eat an apple and something else tomorrow. plus, im going to run :)

ANYWHO. My dad almost found my thinspo stash today! He had to fix my printer's scanner for one of my assignments and when i walked in he was trying to find where the scanned PDFs would be. i was like FUCK!!! So i said, its ok dad ill find it later, it probably will tell me where it placed the thing. I haven't been hiding my thinspo pics, theyre there when you click "my pictures". who knows if he saw them!

We went out for mexican food tonight and it sucked mad balls. Not only because it's so fattening, but the whole place was just a mess and the food wasnt very good. I contemplated purging up the food...but truth be told, ive never actually forced a puke. It just grosses me out! I also dont know any tricks or, really, anything about doing it at all! I have 2 essays due next week and im stressed beyond belief. ive been really lazy and i feel so overwhelmed! I can't WAIT until tomorrow when i can hopefully start the week well :)

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

Im so excited.

My week of horror (the second one?) is almost over! After labor day, there isn't another eating holiday until Rosh Hashanah at the end of september. I ate more than i intended to today. A small buritto from our favorite mexican market for lunch. i had a steamed pork bun for a snack because the fam went to china town for the day. i had soup for dinner (approx 90 cals) and a tomato salad. Not the best day, but i've had worse.

Tonight was amazing! All my friends and i went to the club. I danced with a bunch of guys, yet the only one i remember dancing with was Eli. Hes so fucking hot!!! I ended up convincing him to go, even though his family is going out of town for labor day tomorrow. im so glad i did, because he's an amazing dancer. we didn't kiss or anything because we've decided to keep it friendly for now. He just broke up with his gf this summer because he moved, which i totally understand. She's all the way in Santa Barbara, which isnt exactly close to San Fran. woohoo! I found out he lives pretty close to me. His parents are really cool with people coming over, so we planned a movie night with all of us at his house on friday. Im so excited! It's a scary movie, so ill just pretend to be scared like everybody else.
Also, on Tuesday i'm visiting my old school because Emie and Harper asked.
I have no idea what to wear! I'll be seeing so many people i havent seen in ages and i need to
look good. I mean, My x might even see me. SCARY. Any advice on what i should wear?
I might post possible outfits tomorrow if i have time...

Stay lovely!

Day 2 and Vintage Thinspo!

It's day two and im so pissed at myself. I just havent been keeping up, i havent been caring about calories at ALL, and my mom keeps buying junk! She usually doesnt cook (i like to do that) and tonight she decided she'd "let me have a relaxing evening" while she made dinner. What did she cook? Fucking hamburger helper stroganoff, thats what. Luckily she didnt add milk but STILL. Then she made cake, and i'm not even going to make excuses about it- i ate, litterally, like a pig. i have no idea how many calories i had today...i really need to get back into the swing of things because i look really fat again! :(
I just need to take control and say NO JUNK FOOD.
On the brighter side of things, i finally talked to the hot guy, Eli. we had a pretty long conversation about random shit and hows he's liking the school (he's new). Of course, i flirted like crazy but not too over the top. It seems like he'll probably end up in my group of friends, which is awesome, of course :) We're inviting him to the club this weekend so *fingers crossed* maybe we'll get to dance together. I haven't had a boyfriend since the beginning of 9th grade and it was honestly kind of pathetic. Maybe i'll explain that tomorrow...
I just don't like getting involved seriously with guys because it hurts too much. For me, its a serious burden. I just cant get too close and i hate having to be with them all the time and talk to them 24/7. I hate it even more when guys like me, but the feeling isnt mutual. The last one i delt with, i THINK, handled it well. I just hate hurting their feelings, so i usually end up making an excuse. I make excuses a lot, if you can't tell. I know it's not good to lie but i'd appreciate "sorry, i just don't want to date" (which is actually true) over "I'm sorry,but you kind of gross me out." Don't lie, i'm sure youve all thought someone was really revolting, as horrible as it is.

Day 1 and my story :)

So, i weighed myself and the grand, disgusting total is 108. That means i gained 1 pound this week...EEK! can i just say that the whole no bread deal is extremely hard? I dont think i can even do it...my mom is half turkish for crying out loud! we have pide or pita at least 4 times a week, and usually more. i wasn't able to stick to the diet or my exercise today considering im still on my period and craving cake, of all things. So i split a square of carrot cake (that's a "healthier" one right? i mean it DOES have carrots :P) with Shai. I couldn't exercise because i was in too much pain today from cramps. I think my goal will be 104. I know after a whole month i should be able to lose more, but i don't want to stress myself too much. If i lose more than that, great! I think i'll start my jogging tomorrow.

So, about my story...i don't think i ever shared it. How did i get sucked into this online world filled with counting calories and binges? Well, it really was because of 2 things. The first reason was my ex. See, he's pretty tall compared to me (5'8-9" ish?) but really thin because he likes salad for lunch and exercises like a mad man. I asked him what he weighed once and he said 108. I weighed 104-5 around that time. UMMMM HELLO?! he's 5 inches taller and only weighs like 4 pounds more than me! As you would expect, this made me feel like a complete cow. The next one affected me MUCH more. Remember the friend i told about my little walk with ana/ednos? Is it ironic that she's the one who got me started on this? Well, she did. We went to the gym one day and i was on my period, so i wore sweats and a thin baseball T-shirt. I hadn't seen her for a while (it was after winter vacation, and she had been in Tahoe) I felt bad since she had been keeping up her workouts and i hadnt, so i said "Dude, i havent worked out in forever!". Wanna guess what she said? "Yeah, *laugh* i can tell".......................................

You can just imagine how horrible that sounded coming from one of your best friends. she has a habit of not thinking before talking, she's extremely blunt, she totally wont beat around the bush. Most people would call her rude-a smart ass- which she is, but i still love her. Plus, it's not that i gained weight, it's just that shirts fit like shit on me! They never fit to my body right and always end up making me look bigger. So, ever since then ive been tormented by all the fat on my tummy, my thighs, my calves, my back, my hips...my everything.