When it rains, it pours.

I've been so depressed today! I literally spent all of today and yesterday crying myself to sleep. I just chained myself in my room, basically. I just feel...unloved. unnoticed. I ate 2 jello cups today (20 cals) and some plain pasta for dinner (50?). I just wasn't hungry after today's crying and the big pig out. 
                                                                                                                                                             Yesterday, my grandfather had his retirement party. He owns a winery up in Napa but didn't want to work so much anymore, so he gave the keys to winery,ceremoniously, to my uncle. Weird because my dad was originally going to inherit it, but he ended up landing CEO of a software company. Being there just made me depressed though. I had to get all fancied up and i just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Plus, i ate way too much...although, no sweets, so thats good. Hadar brought her boyfriend along. Of course, he's perfect, like her.                                             
She pisses me off sometimes. My parents love her the most because she's never doing anything wrong, she's never partying or causing trouble. She just studies and dances all day. It's weird that she's so popular, even though she's not what i would call "cool". It's probably just because she's so pretty and has an amazing body. There's only one girl like that who i know in my grade, my competition. I'm pretty sure she's after Eli and i just don't know if I'm good enough for him :( Maybe he wants somebody prettier, thinner, and apparently, with a shit personality.

The home life always sucks.

I know i just made a post but i just have to share this with you all.  Only my really close friends know about my dad being an alcoholic...
When he woke up today, i smelled the stench of vodka on his breath. It sickens me.
It makes me wonder why i ever took an interest to drinking. Yet, i still feel i want to drink, like getting caught was best. But he can't admit he's an alcoholic, he hides all of it under his sink, yet we all know it. He didnt care when Scarlett and i got wasted and puked all over my bathroom and my floor. He never even mentioned it, acted like it didn't happen.
Why does he feel the need to drink? When he's sober, he's that parent all your friends love. When he's been drinking...he's a complete mess. He goes crazy. An angry troll all day long. He's hit my mom before...he's crushed my fingers in the door before.
You know how people say that although somebody seems to have it all, there's always something that isnt ok in their life? That's me. I get good grades, im not the ugliest person, i get the stuff i want, im not obese, i have a nice house and nice friends...but i dont have a good home life. That one little flaw brings me down, way down, deeper than i was before.
So i drank tonight, i admit. I took the vodka for myself. I want to smoke the salvia hidden in my make up case. I just want all my problems to go away... :(