Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

The home life always sucks.

I know i just made a post but i just have to share this with you all.  Only my really close friends know about my dad being an alcoholic...
When he woke up today, i smelled the stench of vodka on his breath. It sickens me.
It makes me wonder why i ever took an interest to drinking. Yet, i still feel i want to drink, like getting caught was best. But he can't admit he's an alcoholic, he hides all of it under his sink, yet we all know it. He didnt care when Scarlett and i got wasted and puked all over my bathroom and my floor. He never even mentioned it, acted like it didn't happen.
Why does he feel the need to drink? When he's sober, he's that parent all your friends love. When he's been drinking...he's a complete mess. He goes crazy. An angry troll all day long. He's hit my mom before...he's crushed my fingers in the door before.
You know how people say that although somebody seems to have it all, there's always something that isnt ok in their life? That's me. I get good grades, im not the ugliest person, i get the stuff i want, im not obese, i have a nice house and nice friends...but i dont have a good home life. That one little flaw brings me down, way down, deeper than i was before.
So i drank tonight, i admit. I took the vodka for myself. I want to smoke the salvia hidden in my make up case. I just want all my problems to go away... :(

Old friends from the past and moving on.

                                                                                        

Fragile. Everything is fragile in this world. Our hearts, our bodies, our minds, our relationships, our friendships.

One messed up moment could ruin you. You can lose everything you've worked so hard for in a second.

They told me they'd cry for me, we'd always be close. They'd miss me like

a scar that wont go away.

So i said fuck it, move on with your life!

Nobody is worth the emotional turmoil youre going through!

Nobody understands...

I was excited to switch schools, a start, a new beginning.

Yet, i felt depressed everyday.

They promised they'd be with me through think and thin.

But they never gave a shit.

I was their chewtoy.

It was ME who helped them fit in.

It was ME who gave them their popularity. 

And then i was alone...

There was nobody i could talk to, nobody to cry out to when i needed them.

All i wanted were some true friends. I made a few dumb

mistakes along the way, and they can never be taken back.

We were so close. But it was all a lie.

They never cared.

They left me behind.

So i forget them and try clear my head.

I'll do whatever it takes to express my broken-ness.

I want them to feel my pain.

No need to apologize for anything.

I said what i wanted to for so long.

I loved every minute of it.

...and then i went crazy.

There's nothing i can do to escape people's

judgement.

Their eyes seem to peer so deep into my soul.

All i wanted was for somebody to love me for me.

Anybody, anybody at all!

I fear their rejection.

They knew this!

They used me, they forgot me, they threw me away.

I tried to stand it.

I did.

But I failed.