Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

What do they think of us?

I just got curious. How do people without EDs see people like us? When i was younger, i went around preaching "Oh, how could they do that to their bodies? thats just awful! Why dont they just eat already? its not that hard. Oh, bulimics, theyre disgusting! why would you go and ruin your throat like that? whats so bad about swallowing food?"

But even then, there was a part of me that knew it was the way for me. I always knew i'd get caught up in this horrid cycle. So, i looked it up.

One person called it a "hellish illness". I really hate how people think its an illness. i dont perceive it that way! Its just a life-style choice. Its hard to choose to eat again, but its possible. Maybe some of you will disagree, but i feel like its ultimately a choice. It seems like most people just think its horrible and stupid. What they dont realize it not every girl with an ED is necessarily "skinny". some of us are using ED methods to REACH skinny. Like me, for instance :)

What did you think about EDs before you had one? I'd love to hear any stories you have :) It's so interesting to get a feel for everyone's personal experiences and feelings about ana/mia/etc.

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

My hideous body...

Intake:
l: 1/2 of another one of those sandwiches i had yesterday- 150 cals ish
d: mandu soondubu chigae (thats korean spicy stew with dumplings and tofu)- i have noooo idea ill say 300
total: 450? i could be totally wrong about the soup...
                                                                                                                                                                        
I can't believe i'm actually doing this, but these are pictures of my body, in all its disgustingness. dont be too hard on my chunk of lard (i'm a poet and i don't even know it....i must be tired haha) I know i have pretty much the most disgusting figure ever and ill never have a nice one, but whatever. its because my hips are pretty narrow, im definitely no hourglass figure! Any fat on that short torso of mine shows up like CRAZY.
Also, i had to take these with a shit mirror in my garage so nobody would catch me taking them. sorry about the mess :)
So, here it goes...

Pretty uneventful day.

My friends are REAL cool.

We all went to hang out at Landen's house this afternoon :)

(btw, no, i'm none of these people. )

Intake:

l: trix cereal (a binge..again)- 160 cals

d: pasta and some ground beef- unknown...ill just say 200

desert: 1 scone- 86 cals

total: 446 cals approx

Not too happy when i eat into the 400s, but i did swim for an hour, so some of that got burned off :)

So, my ana buddy Sophie has inspired me to post pictures of my body for you guys. I'm planning on doing that by the end of the week. Mind you, i look AWFUL right now because ive been chowing down on so much junk and not exercising. I especially hate my thighs and stomach...

In other news, i actually saw a cat fight today...it was hilarious! They were pulling each other's hair and calling each other sluts, whores, you know, the whole nine yards. The only probelm was that one of my best friends, Ever, was in it. Apparently the other girl found out her bf and Ever had hooked up a while back and she went ape shit. Duh, i was rooting for Ever. Honestly, she's a total whore, but she doesnt give a flying rat's ass about what people think. That's why we love her :)

so i'm a whore but you arent? cool.

Intake:

b: Trix cereal (very rare i have this!) with nonfat milk- 80 cals

l: pelmeni dumplings+ chicken broth- 70 cals

d: pizza...3 thin slices- ill just go with 200

pig out: 1 blueberry scone- approx 86 cals

total: 436 - Ive had better days...

Today was pretty shit. Turns out Carter did see me and Eli kiss and he wasn't happy about it. He basically called me a whore. "all you do is hop from guy to guy, you keep lying to everybody"

UGH.

It's not like me and him have ever dated. I know he does have real feelings for me, but i just use him as my backup, i just dont like him like that. i got pissed and just walked away. We aren't speaking, which i don't really mind. I just hate all this drama! Is he right, though? Am i really lying to everybody? Maybe...I mean, i make myself out to be this happy go lucky girl who's usually in a good mood. I don't catfight or anything, i would say im a pretty friendly person. But i guess nobody really knows the truth except for all you wonderful ladies :)

Also, i'm pretty sure Shai has a vibrator.

It's kind of hilarious. Where the hell did she get it? Are there vibrator dealers? where can i find one? haha

I just heard this weird buzzing sound...

I know my mom has 3. It's really gross when you suddenly come across your mom's "sex drawer", toys, and porn stash. YEAH...awkwarddd

When it rains, it pours.

I've been so depressed today! I literally spent all of today and yesterday crying myself to sleep. I just chained myself in my room, basically. I just feel...unloved. unnoticed. I ate 2 jello cups today (20 cals) and some plain pasta for dinner (50?). I just wasn't hungry after today's crying and the big pig out. 
                                                                                                                                                             Yesterday, my grandfather had his retirement party. He owns a winery up in Napa but didn't want to work so much anymore, so he gave the keys to winery,ceremoniously, to my uncle. Weird because my dad was originally going to inherit it, but he ended up landing CEO of a software company. Being there just made me depressed though. I had to get all fancied up and i just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Plus, i ate way too much...although, no sweets, so thats good. Hadar brought her boyfriend along. Of course, he's perfect, like her.                                             
She pisses me off sometimes. My parents love her the most because she's never doing anything wrong, she's never partying or causing trouble. She just studies and dances all day. It's weird that she's so popular, even though she's not what i would call "cool". It's probably just because she's so pretty and has an amazing body. There's only one girl like that who i know in my grade, my competition. I'm pretty sure she's after Eli and i just don't know if I'm good enough for him :( Maybe he wants somebody prettier, thinner, and apparently, with a shit personality.

Bra and Undies Thinspo!

Live each day as your last

If you were dying tomorrow...

you'd want to fit into that bikini, right?

The chip you just ate WILL make a difference.

Keep climbing those stairs...

The top may seem to be far away now,

but eventually you'll get there.

You might get out of breathe

You might feel exhuasted

You might be in pain

You might be hungry

But keep moving.

Nobody said life was gonna be easy

Perfection doesn't really exist, remember?

You know what they say: Beauty is pain.

So keep your head up

Take those last few steps

You'll be happy you did

Fat girls don't get the guys

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

Just wait until you feel those bones...

until there's nothing to grab at...

you will be beautiful

you can see that light at the end of the stairs.

It's called happiness. 

Do you really want to be "the fat one"?

Are you a cow?

MOO MOO

You'll never look this great until you start trying

Don't use "tomorrow" as an excuse

You're lying to yourself, and you know it!

Put the twinkie down, girlfriend!

Youre weak.

Stop being a coward!

Make a change TODAY

Because tomorrow might never come.

I had an amazing day.

I havent seen any of my friends for a whole freaking month! That's way too long. I was going to tell them about this blog, but it was like feeding fire with fire after they complained when i "weighed too little".  which is so untrue, im NOT that small. It's not like you look at me and think "oh damn, she must be anorexic". I just look...average. So, i guess that's what im trying to change. We walked over to chipotle and i ended up having 1/3 of the burrito bowl ( with only salsa, cheese, lettuce, and guc, not too shabby!). But i brought them a cheesecake...i couldnt just not eat any! It was torture to eat something like that...i could just see the calories adding up. But it would be obvious something was off if i didnt. Dont worry, i only had a small slice ;) We went to a beauty store and bought some gorgeous nail polish to use later, the cashier was the most awesome gay guy ever. Gay guys are the best :) All in all, i had so much fun catching up with them. Mom bought burgers for dinner from In n Out. Anyone who's been there will know that their burgers are pretty small. Only like 380 cals, so i binged today, but i guess you could consider it a special occasion. Im not gonna lose any sleep over it, tomorrow will be back to my diet. Stay strong ladies! A little treat isnt bad every once in a while ;)
Remember, don't think "i'll do better tomorrow". stick to your meal plan or diet and wake up saying "i will do well TODAY, tomorrow, every day!" One bad day wont hurt you, but dont make it a habit. Good Luck Lovelies.

Tips #2

6. Drink a shot of vinegar before meals. It curbs your hunger and eats away at any fats you take in. Don't slip it slowly when you take it in, especially if you can't handle the taste of vinegar, just chug it down. (If vinegar is too harsh and you like pickles, take a shot of pickle juice, i usually take them just because i love the flavor) If your stomach is sensitive to harsh flavors like vinegar, drink some water afterwards. It won't be less effective,it will just soften the burn in your tummy.

7. Don't use laxatives. Just don't. Don't even consider it. Put them down! Yes, you'll lose weight when you take them but you arent ACTUALLY losing any weight. See, all it does is make you shit. Do you know what you lose when you shit? water. That's right, all that weight you lost was water weight. Your body NEEDS water, to survive, to LOSE weight. So stop taking laxatives, they basically don't do shit. (Well, besides making you go shit)

8. Chug cold water after dinner. Especially if you tend to eat after 7 pm. Anything cold will raise your metabolism. If you're like me, and you get the munchies after dinner while youre sitting on your ass in front of the tv, chug that water (flavor it with some 0 calorie flavoring). It will keep you full and help burn that food off you just ate. Food doesn't burn well after 7 pm because your metabolism slows down around this time due to the lack of movement, so CHUGGGG.

9. Allow yourself a binge every so often. I know what your thinking "WTF your crazy". But I'm not. Have you ever stuck to a diet and suddenly you stop losing weight? It's called a plateau. The problem is that your metabolism is used to your diet and exercise and burns calories at a constant level. That means you shouldn't gain or lose. To get off of a plateau, you need to binge. Binge on good things like vegetables and avoid things like meat, bread, dairy. This way, your body will say "oh wow, there's a lot more food in here than usual, i guess ill have to work double time". It'll get your body running again. You should also change your workout routine or increase the speed or distance to encourage your metabolism's activity.

10. Soup, soup, soup. It's one of the BEST things you could eat. Not only are there usually vegetables in it to promote nutrition, but it's practically all water. Anything low cal and watery is good, right? One of the best soups i've found is the Progresso French Onion Soup. It's really delicious for being canned and has only 50 calories a serving. Which means, you can have the whole can and only take in 100 calories for dinner. how awesome is that? Also, i would recommend pelmeny, a russian dumpling in broth. Soon, i'll do a post all about these delicious, low cal morsels so you know what they are and where to get them.  

Dress thinspo.

I've been meaning to put one up for a while, lets see what i get! I'm still planning a tips n tricks so stay posted!
Sorry if this is long, i had to force myself to stop looking for more pics, thinspo-making is so addicting!

Hope you liked this, i know i do :)

If any of these pictures belong to you and you dont want them on this blog,

dont hesitate to email me and ill take it down.

Thanks!