Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

When it rains, it pours.

I've been so depressed today! I literally spent all of today and yesterday crying myself to sleep. I just chained myself in my room, basically. I just feel...unloved. unnoticed. I ate 2 jello cups today (20 cals) and some plain pasta for dinner (50?). I just wasn't hungry after today's crying and the big pig out. 
                                                                                                                                                             Yesterday, my grandfather had his retirement party. He owns a winery up in Napa but didn't want to work so much anymore, so he gave the keys to winery,ceremoniously, to my uncle. Weird because my dad was originally going to inherit it, but he ended up landing CEO of a software company. Being there just made me depressed though. I had to get all fancied up and i just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Plus, i ate way too much...although, no sweets, so thats good. Hadar brought her boyfriend along. Of course, he's perfect, like her.                                             
She pisses me off sometimes. My parents love her the most because she's never doing anything wrong, she's never partying or causing trouble. She just studies and dances all day. It's weird that she's so popular, even though she's not what i would call "cool". It's probably just because she's so pretty and has an amazing body. There's only one girl like that who i know in my grade, my competition. I'm pretty sure she's after Eli and i just don't know if I'm good enough for him :( Maybe he wants somebody prettier, thinner, and apparently, with a shit personality.