I'm Back, I Hope

Do you ever just want to kill everyone around you? Am I the only one who gets fed up with the fake and changing people in this world? I'm tired of it. Sick and tired. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even sure why certain people piss me off...I'm just drowning in the sadness and hate. 

I've been gone for probably a year or so from this blog, but it seems to be the only place where people won't judge me for expressing myself. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine and haven't been eating well at all, but my inner ana comes out to say hi every so many months. I suddenly notice all the shit I'm putting into my body. 

I moved schools this semester and the friends I made at first began to ask me if I have an eating disorder because I would never eat during the day (at least not in front of anyone). Do you know how HAPPY it made me that for once people noticed my suffering and struggles? Of course, I denied it, and now they've seen me eat enough times for their superstitions to be stomped.

I have a boyfriend now, and that's causing me to revert to the depressed and fat person I used to be, although I don't think she ever left. I want to have a better body for him, so I'm trying to force myself back into this secret world so I can actually make progress for once. So many of you have abandoned your blogs like I did, but I can never forget what I've learned here and the progress that I documented is precious, because it IS possible to lose weights, guys, it is. You just need to be strong and stick to your diets and exercise for long enough! 

Sincerely, in need of exercise...

Why am I thinking of exercise today?
Because my mom decided it was a great idea to get burger king for breakfast. What's even worse than that? The fact that while I stuffed my face with grease, we had pre-cut chunks of watermelon sitting in the fridge. Yeah, horrible I know. I ended up eating 2 french toast sticks and about 4 mini hash browns. Luckily, I wasn't even allowed to eat the sandwich once my mom realized she accidentally ordered ones with bacon, which we don't eat, obviously. woohoo! 
I actually ended up never joining ballet because I'm going to take it at a community college. The problem is that now i need something to do! So I think I'm just going to do gymnastics again, even though I really love dance. Gymnastics should help me regain my flexibility. Sadly, I can't even start until my wrist heals (I twisted it). I wanted to start yoga to increase flexibility. Anyone who knows me knows that I've always wanted to learn contortion, but that I never get very far because it takes a lot of time.
Huhhh...I have 2 articles due for journalism and and essay due for english this week...so i'm stressed and breaking out a bit. I'm volunteering at the library 2 times this week, so im BUSYBUSYBUSY. See you lovely people later.
Oh, and what do YOU do for exercise? Let me know ;)

So painful!

i did my jog today. needless to say, it was SO painful. Seeing as how i have pretty bad asthma and im seriously out of shape, it was hell. I didnt jog the whole mile because it was so hot today and i just didnt want to cause a scene and all that (from fainting). It was nice at first, to just have that free feeling that running gives you. The fresh air, all the trees...To hear your heart pounding, every step making that annoying squeak. All those dogs barking as you run by...But then the fire starts up in my lungs and burns there, in my throat and along my shoulders. The burn didn't completely leave me until an hour after my jog was over. It sucked, to say the least. I breathed normally, and yet each breath in and out turned into 3 wheezes that i had no control over.

But, i burned calories, and thats whats important. i ate an apple for lunch and not much for dinner, so im really pleased with myself today! Watching all the ana documentaries made me feel like trying one of the diets out. I dont know if i would be able to do it without my fam noticing, but if any of you have a recomendation for a good diet, dont hesitate to let me know! ;)

I'll jog again on wednesday and im not really looking forward to it, but i just keep going. Someday ill be jogging several miles a day, thats my GOAL. I want to get there, i want to burn off fat. I just want to be fucking perfect. Whats that saying? You can do anything if you set your mind to it? Yeah, hopefully. (:

Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

I Salute You.

Today wasnt awful, but it wasnt great either. The local Borders is closing down, so i went to get some new stuff. The moms bought 3 cookbooks...fantastic. Actually, sometimes i enjoy looking at cooking shows or books, because half of the appeal of food is the way it looks.A Really delicious curry i found at the middle eastern market for dinner. Kefta meatballs in the curry over rice. I had 3 medium meatballs and in total, maybe a cup of rice. About 150 cals at lunch.. So it was under 800, but im not sure about 500. I didnt do any snacking today, no fruit or bars, so i dont have to worry about that. Tomorrow i think ill make flavored ice cubes, it's my new addiction! Anyways, the point of this is to salute any ana girls who have the willpower to stick to diets, you are literally AMAZING. I will write songs about you. It is SO hard to constantly fight the mental battle. Im pathetic compared to you! In your honor, im going to fight hard not to over-eat tomorrow! I CAN DO THIS!
Ahava אהבה