Stupid Saturday and a big thanks :)

First off, i just want to say thank you to all you guys. I was just way too embarrassed to keep the pictures up, im just too fat...you girls are all so amazing and supportive and i just wanted to say THANKS again :)

E (my ex) is in his new girlfriend's profile picture on facebook...with her arms around him and he's holding her arm. WTF. It just pisses me off because he never took pictures like that with me and he never touched me like that! Even worse, Harper fucking liked the picture. Maybe i'm just juvenile, but it's a big deal to me! She's a fucking horrible friend. she knows ill always like him, and yet she goes and basically "likes" there relationship. UGH.

Anyway, i got super inspired last night. I watched a bunch of ana documentaries on youtube. I especially liked the one called "the truth about online anorexia" or something like that. It's hilarious to watch because it's so true. All the host does is complain about how hard it is not eating. We really do take this online world seriously. For me, i know its my only way to get support, and i think we all need that. It's a competitive outlet, honestly. When you see another girl losing weight youre like "FUCK i need to fast tomorrow to catch up"

I planned out a route to jog in my neighborhood. its exactly a mile. im planning to train myself to run again, and maybe itll help tone my legs and abs. Im so excited to try it out! Ill start monday. Since i only have a couple weeks before the weigh in, i need all the exercise i can get! And knowing me, i'll over do it and end up pasing out...but i really dont fucking care :]

What would i do without you all? :) YOU INSPIRE ME, YES, YOU!

Bra and Undies Thinspo!

Live each day as your last

If you were dying tomorrow...

you'd want to fit into that bikini, right?

The chip you just ate WILL make a difference.

Keep climbing those stairs...

The top may seem to be far away now,

but eventually you'll get there.

You might get out of breathe

You might feel exhuasted

You might be in pain

You might be hungry

But keep moving.

Nobody said life was gonna be easy

Perfection doesn't really exist, remember?

You know what they say: Beauty is pain.

So keep your head up

Take those last few steps

You'll be happy you did

Fat girls don't get the guys

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

Just wait until you feel those bones...

until there's nothing to grab at...

you will be beautiful

you can see that light at the end of the stairs.

It's called happiness. 

Do you really want to be "the fat one"?

Are you a cow?

MOO MOO

You'll never look this great until you start trying

Don't use "tomorrow" as an excuse

You're lying to yourself, and you know it!

Put the twinkie down, girlfriend!

Youre weak.

Stop being a coward!

Make a change TODAY

Because tomorrow might never come.

A short update.

Harper ended up telling me to meet her an hour after school gets out for them, which is 3. Basically that is GOOD news. Unless my x decided to do football again and he isn't hanging with his new gf after school, i probably won't see him. It's for the best, i'd pretty much turn into jello. Also, it means i wont end up knocking someone out when 10 people ask me "why are you here?"
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IM HERE?!
It just might be because i felt like being with some old friends. just maybe.
Emie's gonna be playing volleyball so i probably wont even see her. I get the feeling im not going to have a very good time. But i decided what to wear! A plain long sleeve white shirt (rolling the sleeves to my elbows) and skinny jeans, a heart necklace and my red slip ons i guess. I really wanted to keep it simple and efortless, you know? I'd post a picture, but i can barely button my pants (which are a bit small anyway) after tonight's dinner. Hence, i feel like a fucking porker. Maybe i'll eat an apple before i go, but nothing else!! Next time they see me i want to be THIN <3 I'm making an update+ thinspo tomorrow. exciting!

Im so excited.

My week of horror (the second one?) is almost over! After labor day, there isn't another eating holiday until Rosh Hashanah at the end of september. I ate more than i intended to today. A small buritto from our favorite mexican market for lunch. i had a steamed pork bun for a snack because the fam went to china town for the day. i had soup for dinner (approx 90 cals) and a tomato salad. Not the best day, but i've had worse.

Tonight was amazing! All my friends and i went to the club. I danced with a bunch of guys, yet the only one i remember dancing with was Eli. Hes so fucking hot!!! I ended up convincing him to go, even though his family is going out of town for labor day tomorrow. im so glad i did, because he's an amazing dancer. we didn't kiss or anything because we've decided to keep it friendly for now. He just broke up with his gf this summer because he moved, which i totally understand. She's all the way in Santa Barbara, which isnt exactly close to San Fran. woohoo! I found out he lives pretty close to me. His parents are really cool with people coming over, so we planned a movie night with all of us at his house on friday. Im so excited! It's a scary movie, so ill just pretend to be scared like everybody else.
Also, on Tuesday i'm visiting my old school because Emie and Harper asked.
I have no idea what to wear! I'll be seeing so many people i havent seen in ages and i need to
look good. I mean, My x might even see me. SCARY. Any advice on what i should wear?
I might post possible outfits tomorrow if i have time...

Stay lovely!

Old friends from the past and moving on.

                                                                                        

Fragile. Everything is fragile in this world. Our hearts, our bodies, our minds, our relationships, our friendships.

One messed up moment could ruin you. You can lose everything you've worked so hard for in a second.

They told me they'd cry for me, we'd always be close. They'd miss me like

a scar that wont go away.

So i said fuck it, move on with your life!

Nobody is worth the emotional turmoil youre going through!

Nobody understands...

I was excited to switch schools, a start, a new beginning.

Yet, i felt depressed everyday.

They promised they'd be with me through think and thin.

But they never gave a shit.

I was their chewtoy.

It was ME who helped them fit in.

It was ME who gave them their popularity. 

And then i was alone...

There was nobody i could talk to, nobody to cry out to when i needed them.

All i wanted were some true friends. I made a few dumb

mistakes along the way, and they can never be taken back.

We were so close. But it was all a lie.

They never cared.

They left me behind.

So i forget them and try clear my head.

I'll do whatever it takes to express my broken-ness.

I want them to feel my pain.

No need to apologize for anything.

I said what i wanted to for so long.

I loved every minute of it.

...and then i went crazy.

There's nothing i can do to escape people's

judgement.

Their eyes seem to peer so deep into my soul.

All i wanted was for somebody to love me for me.

Anybody, anybody at all!

I fear their rejection.

They knew this!

They used me, they forgot me, they threw me away.

I tried to stand it.

I did.

But I failed.