2 more days till the whale (me) gets weighed!

I did ok. I ended up having an apple, a doughnut... i mean, you totally didn't hear that one! Awkward. I also had some korean cold ramyon, which was about 160 cals. Not too bad! Anyways, Me and my friends went out for bubble tea again, sadly Eli couldnt come. Of course, i didn't eat anything :) Some little twerp was staring at us for the longest fucking time. I eventually snapped, turned around and yelled "Ya know, i can play the staring game too!"
His mama got all pissed and called me rude. HAH. fuck that! I'm not the one staring at innocent civilians like a deer in the headlights.
All the girls are getting pumped for homecoming. Personally, i think dances are pretty damn boring. Id rather be alone with my date in a hot tub (which is a big deal since im so self concious) instead of being forced to slut dance all night until im as sweaty as an obese man running a marathon. I'm hoping Eli will ask me but i'm sure there are better girls he could ask...
Plus, Ever's throwing this Halloween party and im going, but ill have to lie to get there. (not allowed to celebrate Halloween and all...) There's just way too much going on this month!
I didnt end up going for a jog today because im lazy. There's really no excuse. Im practically shitting bricks in anticipation for saturday's weigh in. If i'm over 108, im gonna be SO mad at myself. I want to be below 100 again! I havent been that light since like...6th grade or something.
For those of you who are new followers, i havent weighed myself for a month. Yeah, im a lunatic, i know. It will never happen again! I thought it would keep me motivated, but it just made me lazy as fuck. From now on, it'll be back to my weekly weigh ins. (:
And thanks for all your lovely comments on my thinspo, and big welcome to any new followers! You guys really do keep me motivated, its so great to have a support group. Off to bed now, cheerio! (does anybody actually say that?)

Insight and my opinion in depth.

I just wanted to clear things up about my opinion on EDs. Its seems i crossed a controversial line. I do think that the beginning stages of EDs are made of choices. One day, you wake up and you know you want to be skinny and happy and that not eating will surely work. You can't tell me thats not a choice. It's once you become consumed with it that it goes to your head. You start obsessing over calories, and its no longer a choice. It's just something you have to live with, something that consumes you.

I think im starting to reach that point. Just the thought of a calorie scares me! I used to think 1 can of soup was way too little, not nearly enough calories that should be had for dinner! Yet, here i am. I had a 100 calorie soup for dinner and thought "Hmmm, maybe i should only eat half. after all, the more i eat, the more ill gain. 50 sounds a lot nicer than 100." It's when you get to this point that there's really no turning back, i think.

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I know some of you say you love being ana or mia, but im pretty sure you dont. Its not glamorous, and i think we all know that. We just want to be loved, be pretty, be wanted, be thin, be accepted. Most importantly, we all miss enjoying good food. There's no way you can starve and not be craving food! It's not possible. Why do you think we binge? It's a constant struggle, for me anyway. I would say that about 70-80% of my thoughts are about food or my next meal. I know some of you have it worse. 

Hey, if you can't beat em, join em! Even though it's hard, its not something i can just forget about. its ALWAYS following me. Like a phantom, it just haunts my every waking moment (and those in my sleep).
I feel like im in denial about having an eating problem. I just dont feel up to the standard. I count calories, im obsessed with my weight and body image. But i simply dont have the same willpower as true Anas or Mias. I dont really know where i am concerning EDs as of now.

So painful!

i did my jog today. needless to say, it was SO painful. Seeing as how i have pretty bad asthma and im seriously out of shape, it was hell. I didnt jog the whole mile because it was so hot today and i just didnt want to cause a scene and all that (from fainting). It was nice at first, to just have that free feeling that running gives you. The fresh air, all the trees...To hear your heart pounding, every step making that annoying squeak. All those dogs barking as you run by...But then the fire starts up in my lungs and burns there, in my throat and along my shoulders. The burn didn't completely leave me until an hour after my jog was over. It sucked, to say the least. I breathed normally, and yet each breath in and out turned into 3 wheezes that i had no control over.

But, i burned calories, and thats whats important. i ate an apple for lunch and not much for dinner, so im really pleased with myself today! Watching all the ana documentaries made me feel like trying one of the diets out. I dont know if i would be able to do it without my fam noticing, but if any of you have a recomendation for a good diet, dont hesitate to let me know! ;)

I'll jog again on wednesday and im not really looking forward to it, but i just keep going. Someday ill be jogging several miles a day, thats my GOAL. I want to get there, i want to burn off fat. I just want to be fucking perfect. Whats that saying? You can do anything if you set your mind to it? Yeah, hopefully. (:

IM SO STRESSED!

Intake:
I have no idea how many calories i took in today! I had 1/2 an apple, 2 mini meatballs with some rice, and some beans with 1 enchilada.
I probably took in a lot, but i plan to only eat an apple and something else tomorrow. plus, im going to run :)

ANYWHO. My dad almost found my thinspo stash today! He had to fix my printer's scanner for one of my assignments and when i walked in he was trying to find where the scanned PDFs would be. i was like FUCK!!! So i said, its ok dad ill find it later, it probably will tell me where it placed the thing. I haven't been hiding my thinspo pics, theyre there when you click "my pictures". who knows if he saw them!

We went out for mexican food tonight and it sucked mad balls. Not only because it's so fattening, but the whole place was just a mess and the food wasnt very good. I contemplated purging up the food...but truth be told, ive never actually forced a puke. It just grosses me out! I also dont know any tricks or, really, anything about doing it at all! I have 2 essays due next week and im stressed beyond belief. ive been really lazy and i feel so overwhelmed! I can't WAIT until tomorrow when i can hopefully start the week well :)

My hideous body...

Intake:
l: 1/2 of another one of those sandwiches i had yesterday- 150 cals ish
d: mandu soondubu chigae (thats korean spicy stew with dumplings and tofu)- i have noooo idea ill say 300
total: 450? i could be totally wrong about the soup...
                                                                                                                                                                        
I can't believe i'm actually doing this, but these are pictures of my body, in all its disgustingness. dont be too hard on my chunk of lard (i'm a poet and i don't even know it....i must be tired haha) I know i have pretty much the most disgusting figure ever and ill never have a nice one, but whatever. its because my hips are pretty narrow, im definitely no hourglass figure! Any fat on that short torso of mine shows up like CRAZY.
Also, i had to take these with a shit mirror in my garage so nobody would catch me taking them. sorry about the mess :)
So, here it goes...

so i'm a whore but you arent? cool.

Intake:

b: Trix cereal (very rare i have this!) with nonfat milk- 80 cals

l: pelmeni dumplings+ chicken broth- 70 cals

d: pizza...3 thin slices- ill just go with 200

pig out: 1 blueberry scone- approx 86 cals

total: 436 - Ive had better days...

Today was pretty shit. Turns out Carter did see me and Eli kiss and he wasn't happy about it. He basically called me a whore. "all you do is hop from guy to guy, you keep lying to everybody"

UGH.

It's not like me and him have ever dated. I know he does have real feelings for me, but i just use him as my backup, i just dont like him like that. i got pissed and just walked away. We aren't speaking, which i don't really mind. I just hate all this drama! Is he right, though? Am i really lying to everybody? Maybe...I mean, i make myself out to be this happy go lucky girl who's usually in a good mood. I don't catfight or anything, i would say im a pretty friendly person. But i guess nobody really knows the truth except for all you wonderful ladies :)

Also, i'm pretty sure Shai has a vibrator.

It's kind of hilarious. Where the hell did she get it? Are there vibrator dealers? where can i find one? haha

I just heard this weird buzzing sound...

I know my mom has 3. It's really gross when you suddenly come across your mom's "sex drawer", toys, and porn stash. YEAH...awkwarddd

When it rains, it pours.

I've been so depressed today! I literally spent all of today and yesterday crying myself to sleep. I just chained myself in my room, basically. I just feel...unloved. unnoticed. I ate 2 jello cups today (20 cals) and some plain pasta for dinner (50?). I just wasn't hungry after today's crying and the big pig out. 
                                                                                                                                                             Yesterday, my grandfather had his retirement party. He owns a winery up in Napa but didn't want to work so much anymore, so he gave the keys to winery,ceremoniously, to my uncle. Weird because my dad was originally going to inherit it, but he ended up landing CEO of a software company. Being there just made me depressed though. I had to get all fancied up and i just wasn't in the mood to do anything. Plus, i ate way too much...although, no sweets, so thats good. Hadar brought her boyfriend along. Of course, he's perfect, like her.                                             
She pisses me off sometimes. My parents love her the most because she's never doing anything wrong, she's never partying or causing trouble. She just studies and dances all day. It's weird that she's so popular, even though she's not what i would call "cool". It's probably just because she's so pretty and has an amazing body. There's only one girl like that who i know in my grade, my competition. I'm pretty sure she's after Eli and i just don't know if I'm good enough for him :( Maybe he wants somebody prettier, thinner, and apparently, with a shit personality.

My Fantastic Friday.

Intake:
lunch: pelmeni dumplings in broth- about 90 calories
snack: one of those flaky biscuits- probably about 100 calories
dinner: fruit, some cod, one cup of jello- im guessing 200 calories?
Total: 390 ISH
The hard thing about writing down my intake is that my family eats pretty diverse dinners, usually nothing packaged, all freshly made. So when my mom makes a salad with her own dressing, pita, rice, seasoned meats, vegetable dishes...its REALLY hard to determine how many calories i had. Especially since there's no "serving size" for homemade meals. Really sorry about that, i'll try harder :]

The movie party was a total success! We ended up watching Silence of The Lambs, so of course i acted scared and grabbed onto Eli. He has his "man cave" with a pool table and everything, its really awesome! Afterwards, we all decided to jump into the hottub, which was AMAZING. He put his arm around me and the most amazing thing happened...we had a thunderstorm with lightning and everything. It's crazy beautiful! I'm sure i sound like a complete freak, but it's really rare to have thunder/lightning is the SF bay area. Last time i saw a storm, i was 7! When everyone started to go back in the house because of the rain, i made my move :]

I just took a chance and looked into his eyes, pulled him into me. It was an amazing kiss, he definetly accepted. I decided not to take it too far and didnt go for a full-on make out since we're supposed to just be "friendly". I think Carter(the boy toy) saw it though, which kind of worries me because i know he actually likes me...but, on the bright side: i can officially say i've been kissed in the rain. :)

Bra and Undies Thinspo!

Live each day as your last

If you were dying tomorrow...

you'd want to fit into that bikini, right?

The chip you just ate WILL make a difference.

Keep climbing those stairs...

The top may seem to be far away now,

but eventually you'll get there.

You might get out of breathe

You might feel exhuasted

You might be in pain

You might be hungry

But keep moving.

Nobody said life was gonna be easy

Perfection doesn't really exist, remember?

You know what they say: Beauty is pain.

So keep your head up

Take those last few steps

You'll be happy you did

Fat girls don't get the guys

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

Just wait until you feel those bones...

until there's nothing to grab at...

you will be beautiful

you can see that light at the end of the stairs.

It's called happiness. 

Do you really want to be "the fat one"?

Are you a cow?

MOO MOO

You'll never look this great until you start trying

Don't use "tomorrow" as an excuse

You're lying to yourself, and you know it!

Put the twinkie down, girlfriend!

Youre weak.

Stop being a coward!

Make a change TODAY

Because tomorrow might never come.