My 50th post...

is a happy one! YES :) First of all, i just want to thank all you lovely people who find my blog interesting to read. I don't spend much time trying to make my posts interesting, i just tell it like it is. But thank you thank you thank you for helping me to get this far and supporting me all the way through!
I had those pelmeni dumplings for lunch, probably about 80 calories. For dinner, potstickers, which arent the healthiest thing but i only had 4. On the down side, i had some cheetos, which probably added a couple hundred calories. BUT I DIDNT BINGE <3
I actually had a really great time at my old school. I really do miss it there...I did talk to Emie for a little bit, but she had volleyball. I mostly talked to Harper and one of my good friends, Abraham. It was cool catching up on all the gossip. Basically all they do is gossip. It's like a soap opera because the school is pretty small, with an average of 120 people in a grade. So any drama spreads like wildfire.They want me to come back for a football game, so i probably will. Im soooo excited for Friday!! I really want to make a move on Eli but i dont want him to freak out on me, you know? I'll have to try something...
hopefully someone will bring some booze to help lighten the mood hahaha
In honor of getting past post 50, i'll do a thinspo tomorrow ive been planning for a while.
I hope you're all keeping up with your diets, it really will be worth it someday! Keep your head up! :)

The home life always sucks.

I know i just made a post but i just have to share this with you all.  Only my really close friends know about my dad being an alcoholic...
When he woke up today, i smelled the stench of vodka on his breath. It sickens me.
It makes me wonder why i ever took an interest to drinking. Yet, i still feel i want to drink, like getting caught was best. But he can't admit he's an alcoholic, he hides all of it under his sink, yet we all know it. He didnt care when Scarlett and i got wasted and puked all over my bathroom and my floor. He never even mentioned it, acted like it didn't happen.
Why does he feel the need to drink? When he's sober, he's that parent all your friends love. When he's been drinking...he's a complete mess. He goes crazy. An angry troll all day long. He's hit my mom before...he's crushed my fingers in the door before.
You know how people say that although somebody seems to have it all, there's always something that isnt ok in their life? That's me. I get good grades, im not the ugliest person, i get the stuff i want, im not obese, i have a nice house and nice friends...but i dont have a good home life. That one little flaw brings me down, way down, deeper than i was before.
So i drank tonight, i admit. I took the vodka for myself. I want to smoke the salvia hidden in my make up case. I just want all my problems to go away... :(

A short update.

Harper ended up telling me to meet her an hour after school gets out for them, which is 3. Basically that is GOOD news. Unless my x decided to do football again and he isn't hanging with his new gf after school, i probably won't see him. It's for the best, i'd pretty much turn into jello. Also, it means i wont end up knocking someone out when 10 people ask me "why are you here?"
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IM HERE?!
It just might be because i felt like being with some old friends. just maybe.
Emie's gonna be playing volleyball so i probably wont even see her. I get the feeling im not going to have a very good time. But i decided what to wear! A plain long sleeve white shirt (rolling the sleeves to my elbows) and skinny jeans, a heart necklace and my red slip ons i guess. I really wanted to keep it simple and efortless, you know? I'd post a picture, but i can barely button my pants (which are a bit small anyway) after tonight's dinner. Hence, i feel like a fucking porker. Maybe i'll eat an apple before i go, but nothing else!! Next time they see me i want to be THIN <3 I'm making an update+ thinspo tomorrow. exciting!

Im so excited.

My week of horror (the second one?) is almost over! After labor day, there isn't another eating holiday until Rosh Hashanah at the end of september. I ate more than i intended to today. A small buritto from our favorite mexican market for lunch. i had a steamed pork bun for a snack because the fam went to china town for the day. i had soup for dinner (approx 90 cals) and a tomato salad. Not the best day, but i've had worse.

Tonight was amazing! All my friends and i went to the club. I danced with a bunch of guys, yet the only one i remember dancing with was Eli. Hes so fucking hot!!! I ended up convincing him to go, even though his family is going out of town for labor day tomorrow. im so glad i did, because he's an amazing dancer. we didn't kiss or anything because we've decided to keep it friendly for now. He just broke up with his gf this summer because he moved, which i totally understand. She's all the way in Santa Barbara, which isnt exactly close to San Fran. woohoo! I found out he lives pretty close to me. His parents are really cool with people coming over, so we planned a movie night with all of us at his house on friday. Im so excited! It's a scary movie, so ill just pretend to be scared like everybody else.
Also, on Tuesday i'm visiting my old school because Emie and Harper asked.
I have no idea what to wear! I'll be seeing so many people i havent seen in ages and i need to
look good. I mean, My x might even see me. SCARY. Any advice on what i should wear?
I might post possible outfits tomorrow if i have time...

Stay lovely!

Old friends from the past and moving on.

                                                                                        

Fragile. Everything is fragile in this world. Our hearts, our bodies, our minds, our relationships, our friendships.

One messed up moment could ruin you. You can lose everything you've worked so hard for in a second.

They told me they'd cry for me, we'd always be close. They'd miss me like

a scar that wont go away.

So i said fuck it, move on with your life!

Nobody is worth the emotional turmoil youre going through!

Nobody understands...

I was excited to switch schools, a start, a new beginning.

Yet, i felt depressed everyday.

They promised they'd be with me through think and thin.

But they never gave a shit.

I was their chewtoy.

It was ME who helped them fit in.

It was ME who gave them their popularity. 

And then i was alone...

There was nobody i could talk to, nobody to cry out to when i needed them.

All i wanted were some true friends. I made a few dumb

mistakes along the way, and they can never be taken back.

We were so close. But it was all a lie.

They never cared.

They left me behind.

So i forget them and try clear my head.

I'll do whatever it takes to express my broken-ness.

I want them to feel my pain.

No need to apologize for anything.

I said what i wanted to for so long.

I loved every minute of it.

...and then i went crazy.

There's nothing i can do to escape people's

judgement.

Their eyes seem to peer so deep into my soul.

All i wanted was for somebody to love me for me.

Anybody, anybody at all!

I fear their rejection.

They knew this!

They used me, they forgot me, they threw me away.

I tried to stand it.

I did.

But I failed.

My X and a short thinspo.

As promised, some insight on my life. So, lets start with my relationship backstory. So my x, E, and i went on that whole "washington DC" 8th grade trip with our class. we had never spoken a word to each other until my birthday on the trip(ironic?), but we clicked and he asked me out 2 weeks later at our dance. i felt so...giddy all the time. You have to realize a very important point in all this: I went to a PRIVATE school for jr.high. So there's no PDA, and unless your parents let you talk with the "public schoolers", you were extremely sheltered. Sure, people were dating ALL the time, but you couldnt kiss or hold hands or anything. Although our relationship was good, there was one problem: he never fucking touched me. he was more on the shy side when we were dating, yet really outgoing BEFORE we dated. He put his arm around me only for pictures. my friends didnt help, being the immature little girls i always knew they were. they would set up "plans" for me to get closer to them. They FORCED us to hold hands and to kiss (none of them had kissed anyone before, i was a bit of a loser in jr.high). Can you say awkward? It was amazing the first time i kissed him, little electric shots went up and down my spine.  His lips were always soft, never cracked. Just perfect. but we only kissed after school because of the PDA thing. i told him he was totally allowed to touch me...in whatever way he wanted to. But he never did, and i asked him why once. being the creep that i am, i saved our fb messages so i wouldnt mix up what really happened with my imagination. He said "idk...theres just...something about you that makes me nervous" or something like that. i swear, like 4 guys have told me the same thing. it was honestly just a weird yet amazing relationship. he even said he loved me (i think) in his own, round about way. he was teaching me some norwegian and when he tested me on the words, i obviously plugged them into the translator. i got them all right and he said "Well if you can get those right, then you should get this one too: Jeg elskar eg (sp?)" (he hadnt taught me this one before) it means i love you. maybe he really was just trying to teach me more, but the way he typed it...he's just not good at expressing his feelings. basically, it was great while it lasted, but we broke up about a year ago in late august because i ended up going to public school and he lives in another city. It was pretty mutual, but he brought it up first and it nearly killed me that he was thinking we should break up too. He ended up with this bitchy girl for about a month. Apparently he flipped out on her and broke it up because she kept complaining he didnt give her enough attention. HAH i was with him for 6 months, it made me feel like i won some secret game. Even more than that, we never got in a fight throughout the whole relationship. not even one! He would never had yelled at me like that, i cant even imagine him yelling. Anyways, that was boring and long- but now you know,  this has caused me a LOT of trauma this past year.

Feeling Worthless.

Do you ever feel like youre worthless? That's how i feel today. I've always wondered what it would be like to die...it would be a beautiful silence, an endless rest that nobody can wake you from. what would it be like to know youre dying... that your time is slowly running out? dying pisses me off, to be frank. people will  lean over you coffin, covered with an array of flowers. Your parents and close family might be crying and telling the crowd what an amazing person you were. Your friends would get over it pretty fast. Your family might have it hard for a year or so...but then, everyone moves on to some extent. i know its good to move on and not dwell in the past, but eventually everyone will forget about you, in a way. I feel so worthless....if i really was a special person in their lives, they should be crying for me everyday, because each day i am no longer there. i know how horrible that sounds, selfish and cruel. But its trully how i feel. I just cant live knowing that i had a relationship with someone, something happened to seperate us, and we forget each other. I cant bare knowing someone doesnt give a shit about me anymore. I have a problem with being stuck in the past, i can't move on! Sometimes i think im mental...i end up convincing myself that something happened when it didnt. Sometimes i dream it and sometimes its a daydream, but either way, i confuse reality and fantasy. I get attached to people really easily. I can't tell you how much ive cried over people of my past that moved on without me. I just cant bare it! Maybe thats why i hate relationships...i cant live knowing we once had something, and now its like it never happened.

      It breaks my heart to know that someone has forgotten me....                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Like glass that is shattered, the shards of my soul lay on the floor

I stand there, embracing the trickle of blood on my hands, knowing i cant turn back time

Though i am surrounded by people, nobody notices my pain

They move on, leaving me alone to fend for myself

I broke the glass because I want them to notice

Once glass is broken, you cannot mend the pieces back together

I am broken

There is no fixing this mess

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I know im no poet, but sometimes you just feel like expressing yourself in way others might be able to understand...