Im trying to be happy. I really am.

I think i'm feeling a lot better today. I tried to smile and stuff, you know? It's not like i'm happy being depressed all the time, nor do i try and make myself depressed. My friends all love my dad and hate my mom. She's just really...intense and judgemental. I think she watches too much TV. She just says she knows eveything about teenage physcocolgy and convinces herself that she understands all my problems, which she totally doesn't. One time i was at Julity's house and my mom was parked outside to pick me up...Julity waved to my mom from her window. When i got in the car my mom started
yelling at me. "Why is that girl so suspicious? What were you up to that she did that? Did you guys sneak out in the middle of the night to go to the club?! she's a bad influence on you. You better not be getting drugs from her." That's pretty much how she is all the time.

I was too busy to jog today but i really am going to try to wake up early so i can do it in the morning before it gets all hot. I think i should get involved with something again. I just don't enjoy running much because it's so painful and my inhaler doesnt help much. I need to do something i enjoy again.
I'm thinking of either getting back into dance or rythmic gymnastics (which i did for like a year when i was younger). I'm just not sure how my parents will respond. If i do rythmic, i'll end up being with really young girls just because i've lost most of my flexibility over the years. I guess i should start training myself again...

My mom hasnt scheduled an appointment with the doc yet. I kind of feel like she'll forget, as usual. (Memory loss must run in the family haha) But the weird thing is i'm terrified of telling the doctor what's wrong because i don't even know where to begin. I dont even know if i HAVE a mental illness, maybe i'm just troubled. What the fuck should i say? Oh yeah doc, i cant concentrate on anything and ive been yelling for no reason, with severe anger. I forget to do everything and im so fucking anxious. Not to mention the hallucinations.

I just don't even know where i'd start...what am i really trying to gain by going there?