I'm slowly healing

First of all, thank you so much to those of you that offered your words of wisdom and love, I really appreciate it! I told his best friend to tell my ex happy birthday. He said that my ex has been really off lately and he's not sure what's going on, I noticed it too a week ago. He didn't actually know why we broke up, so I explained to him all that about "I just don't think I should be in a relationship right now" and "I'm going through a lot of shit and i really don't want to talk about it, it's embarrassing." He told me that if he were to guess why the breakup happened, it's probably because my ex he thinks he isn't good enough.
That just kills me. He's very troubled, and has survived suicide 2 or 3 times so I know he actually is very hurt and struggling at home and within his own head, but wouldn't letting me go end up hurting him more? This is why I'm frustrated; I don't understand his reasoning.
After I saw the way he looked opposite of his friends and watched me yesterday on and off all through lunch, I'm not going to give up on him until he literally says to my face that he doesn't want me. Why? Because if I were in his position, I wouldn't want him to give up on me either. I think that may be what he needs, he needs someone to fight for him. I could be very wrong, but I don't believe that he lost his feelings for me.
I haven't been exercising due to finals and all, but next week I think I'm going to start again. Thanks to the break up, I've really lost my appetite and because by stomach is so uneasy and nervous at school, food really makes me feel sick. On Thursday, I had and apple for lunch and a plain milk tea (small size, of course!) for dinner with a small sweet bun. Yesterday, I had an apple for lunch and ramen at a ramen shop for dinner, of which something like 70% is broth, so I'm really not kicking myself for that. It is weird if I say that I can already tell I look less bloated? Pictures may come soon. Good luck with your progress, ladies! I promise I will be ok (:

I'm Broken.

I don't even know where to go from here...
My boyfriend broke up with me on our 2 month anniversary, 2 days ago. We were into each other for 3 months, and we were both so mature and moved very fast. I know this will probably be irrelevant to me once ive healed but he just meant so much to me.
I gave him my virginity, too early. once i did that, i could tell our relationship would crumble, things were much more serious and difficult. Recently I've been depressed because I've lost so many friends, and I feel like i bored him because of that. It was out of the blue, I really wasn't expecting it. He seemed so nonchalant about it, like he never even cared. He claims it's because of his personal shit going on that he's refused to tell me about because "it's too embarrassing" and that he just doesnt think he should be in a relationship right now. While I know this is true, I feel like if you truly care for someone, you would be willing to keep them even through your rough patches.
I was doing so well until I smoked today, that always bring my pain back up to the surface. I constantly choke back my tears. The worst part is i have no closure. I don't know if he was just being honest or if that was his excuse for not liking me anymore. I feel worthless, like nobody will ever love me. This was a serious relationship, we were already talking about senior prom next year and going to concerts in the fall. It was my fault- I allowed us to move way to fast. I'm assuming that he didn't mean to have sex with me and leave because he isn't that kind of guy, but it happened anyway. I guess for him there was nothing left after that. I asked if it was permanent or if he just needed space and he said "Well, maybe once all this shit is over..." So I'm left on a cliffhanger, awesome. I'm trying so hard not to expect him to come running back. I loved him, I didn't know what that meant before but I would do anything to make him happy.

The only bright side to this? I really have no appetite and am getting closer to so many people who I never really valued in my life before.
Sorry for this rant, but I'm just so alone.

I'm Back, I Hope

Do you ever just want to kill everyone around you? Am I the only one who gets fed up with the fake and changing people in this world? I'm tired of it. Sick and tired. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even sure why certain people piss me off...I'm just drowning in the sadness and hate. 

I've been gone for probably a year or so from this blog, but it seems to be the only place where people won't judge me for expressing myself. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine and haven't been eating well at all, but my inner ana comes out to say hi every so many months. I suddenly notice all the shit I'm putting into my body. 

I moved schools this semester and the friends I made at first began to ask me if I have an eating disorder because I would never eat during the day (at least not in front of anyone). Do you know how HAPPY it made me that for once people noticed my suffering and struggles? Of course, I denied it, and now they've seen me eat enough times for their superstitions to be stomped.

I have a boyfriend now, and that's causing me to revert to the depressed and fat person I used to be, although I don't think she ever left. I want to have a better body for him, so I'm trying to force myself back into this secret world so I can actually make progress for once. So many of you have abandoned your blogs like I did, but I can never forget what I've learned here and the progress that I documented is precious, because it IS possible to lose weights, guys, it is. You just need to be strong and stick to your diets and exercise for long enough! 

Nice Seeing You Guys Again

I feel like shit. I've been getting fat and having so much boy trouble. I honestly just can't handle it anymore and i want to die. I rolled on friday night and that just made my depression worse. To make it better, my parents dont even believe im depressed and i have nobody to talk to about it. I'm scared, I'm very scared. Tomorrow I'm taking a couple oxys because i just cant deal with this pain anymore, I need to relax for a bit. I really like Matt, the guy i liked a couple years back, but he stopped talking to me and I don't know why. But I'm sure it's because i'm too ugly, too fat, too boring, and don't deserve him. I never get the guys I want. All i need is for someone to give a fuck! Why doesn't anybody understand or care? he is the only person i know who can relate to my insanity. All I want is him and to be skinny- because those two things will repair me. I never knew what it felt like to be alone and not loved until now and all I want to do is stop the misery.

A bunch of tips and my updated diet!

So, i've realized that there's no way i can eat the same thing everyday. It gets boring! Let's be honest, it just makes you crave what youre missing even more. Plus, my family knows i love to cook, so it's pretty suspicious when i suddenly only eat processed things that are low cal and easily tallied up. So I have a new plan, and i think it'll work! Basically, i'm going unofficially vegan and carb free. (minus the 25 cal cheese singles and 45 cal sara lee bread that i use for grilled cheeses) This way, i have an excuse to eat less. Plus, i'll consume more fruits and vegetables. I'll have the occasional fish and for the most part, will also stay far away from beans and such, unless im really craving something heavier.
I've also created an AMAZING tea recipe, and you'll love it (hopefully). If you miss soda or sweet drinks and juices, definitely give this a try. All you have to do is boil a couple of cinnamon sticks, a tea of your choice (i put in about a teaspoon of ceylon, a persian tea), some rose water, a packet of truvia or other sweetener, and if you like, some orange peels. It clocks in at 0 calories and its so delicious!
A couple other tips for you guys that work pretty well-
-leek soup. boil leeks, that's about it. it has a nice flavor and practically no calories.
-vinegar. take a shot if youre feeling hungry!
-capers. they are pretty low cal, but packed with flavor.
-pickles or pickle juice. no calories, and i find the stuff super yummy

This was more of a food update rather than a life one,  but hopefully it will encourage at least one person out there!

Raves, boys, and food struggles.

I can't believe i haven't posted in a couple weeks! woops. Not even gonna lie, it's not like my life has been hectic or anything- but the few things that are going on...well, they pretty much consume my thoughts.
My eating habits aren't too good at the moment. On the bright side, when i went to the doctor's today, i weighed 110. I'd obviously prefer a number like...ohhh, 105, 103, 98? But at least i'm slowly going back to my norm. I haven't stuck to my diet at all, although generally low cal. But i have a new plan, and if i do it for a week, i'll share it with you!
I went to my first rave last week and it was AMAZING. Actually, i don't think i've ever been more horny in my life. The beats, people, and energy was nothing short of insane. My friends all took e (specifically, mali) but it didn't really work. Me? I went sober, unfortunately. It was a rush because, for once, i rebelled against my parents. I said i was having a sleepover, but we actually just crashed in a friends car around 4 am, and went to the beach. I'm going to another one in august and i cant wait! Only problem is...I want to look hot this time. Which means i need to eat less and work out more. I've been doing an hour of walking everyday, and NEED to start pilates.
L...he doesn't seem as interested in me as before. He generally only replies to my texts once or twice, and it's starting to piss me off. He's liked me for forever, and now that i'm desperately wanting him for a hook up, he's become more distant. Part of me thinks that he's trying to keep his cool and not seem too anxious about it so as to not freak me out but...the pessimistic part of me (which is about 95%) thinks he just got bored with me :(

I'm sorry, so sorry...

I over ate today. There's basically nothing more to it. I ate a slice of flan for lunch and got hungry again, so i made plain ol' leek broth. for dinner, i ate some tomato sauce with a slice of bread (excluding the crust). As if i didn't feel guilty enough about the flan (considering i don't even know how many calories were in it!), i decided it was a great idea to eat a piece of sandwich bread with peanut butter spread on. I should really at least go back and get the bread that's only 90 calories a slice, it's not AS bad. That's what i ate on vaction for a week when i weighed 102. One slice of bread with some processed cheese and salami. Except, i'd stop there, so in reality, it was a very small amount of food- yet really satisfying!
I burned almost 200 calories and that's it. why? I got shin splints after 15 minutes on the treadmill. At least, that's what my mom says they are. I basically just feel shitty about myself today. Tomorrow, i need to go back to my old apple, miso soup, rice, and veggies diet. It worked quite nicely for about a week! My tummy just can't take the gluten anymore...i'm pretty positive that's why i've been in so much pain.
On the other hand, i feel great because i'm starting to feel guilty about eating anything and everything again! That's always the first step. Once you form that guilt reflex to eating, you just can't help but eat less and work out more. Too bad i can't work out for a couple days, lucky lucky me! I'm going to do a pilates dvd and then maybe a yoga dvd...that way i dont feel TOO horrendous.
I'll post again soon, probably an article filled with more teen angst, lust, and rage. Are you getting excited already? Honestly, you should calm down a bit.

Keep up your great work! Hey, i'm trying to be positive here...