Nice Seeing You Guys Again

I feel like shit. I've been getting fat and having so much boy trouble. I honestly just can't handle it anymore and i want to die. I rolled on friday night and that just made my depression worse. To make it better, my parents dont even believe im depressed and i have nobody to talk to about it. I'm scared, I'm very scared. Tomorrow I'm taking a couple oxys because i just cant deal with this pain anymore, I need to relax for a bit. I really like Matt, the guy i liked a couple years back, but he stopped talking to me and I don't know why. But I'm sure it's because i'm too ugly, too fat, too boring, and don't deserve him. I never get the guys I want. All i need is for someone to give a fuck! Why doesn't anybody understand or care? he is the only person i know who can relate to my insanity. All I want is him and to be skinny- because those two things will repair me. I never knew what it felt like to be alone and not loved until now and all I want to do is stop the misery.

A bunch of tips and my updated diet!

So, i've realized that there's no way i can eat the same thing everyday. It gets boring! Let's be honest, it just makes you crave what youre missing even more. Plus, my family knows i love to cook, so it's pretty suspicious when i suddenly only eat processed things that are low cal and easily tallied up. So I have a new plan, and i think it'll work! Basically, i'm going unofficially vegan and carb free. (minus the 25 cal cheese singles and 45 cal sara lee bread that i use for grilled cheeses) This way, i have an excuse to eat less. Plus, i'll consume more fruits and vegetables. I'll have the occasional fish and for the most part, will also stay far away from beans and such, unless im really craving something heavier.
I've also created an AMAZING tea recipe, and you'll love it (hopefully). If you miss soda or sweet drinks and juices, definitely give this a try. All you have to do is boil a couple of cinnamon sticks, a tea of your choice (i put in about a teaspoon of ceylon, a persian tea), some rose water, a packet of truvia or other sweetener, and if you like, some orange peels. It clocks in at 0 calories and its so delicious!
A couple other tips for you guys that work pretty well-
-leek soup. boil leeks, that's about it. it has a nice flavor and practically no calories.
-vinegar. take a shot if youre feeling hungry!
-capers. they are pretty low cal, but packed with flavor.
-pickles or pickle juice. no calories, and i find the stuff super yummy

This was more of a food update rather than a life one,  but hopefully it will encourage at least one person out there!

Raves, boys, and food struggles.

I can't believe i haven't posted in a couple weeks! woops. Not even gonna lie, it's not like my life has been hectic or anything- but the few things that are going on...well, they pretty much consume my thoughts.
My eating habits aren't too good at the moment. On the bright side, when i went to the doctor's today, i weighed 110. I'd obviously prefer a number like...ohhh, 105, 103, 98? But at least i'm slowly going back to my norm. I haven't stuck to my diet at all, although generally low cal. But i have a new plan, and if i do it for a week, i'll share it with you!
I went to my first rave last week and it was AMAZING. Actually, i don't think i've ever been more horny in my life. The beats, people, and energy was nothing short of insane. My friends all took e (specifically, mali) but it didn't really work. Me? I went sober, unfortunately. It was a rush because, for once, i rebelled against my parents. I said i was having a sleepover, but we actually just crashed in a friends car around 4 am, and went to the beach. I'm going to another one in august and i cant wait! Only problem is...I want to look hot this time. Which means i need to eat less and work out more. I've been doing an hour of walking everyday, and NEED to start pilates.
L...he doesn't seem as interested in me as before. He generally only replies to my texts once or twice, and it's starting to piss me off. He's liked me for forever, and now that i'm desperately wanting him for a hook up, he's become more distant. Part of me thinks that he's trying to keep his cool and not seem too anxious about it so as to not freak me out but...the pessimistic part of me (which is about 95%) thinks he just got bored with me :(

I'm sorry, so sorry...

I over ate today. There's basically nothing more to it. I ate a slice of flan for lunch and got hungry again, so i made plain ol' leek broth. for dinner, i ate some tomato sauce with a slice of bread (excluding the crust). As if i didn't feel guilty enough about the flan (considering i don't even know how many calories were in it!), i decided it was a great idea to eat a piece of sandwich bread with peanut butter spread on. I should really at least go back and get the bread that's only 90 calories a slice, it's not AS bad. That's what i ate on vaction for a week when i weighed 102. One slice of bread with some processed cheese and salami. Except, i'd stop there, so in reality, it was a very small amount of food- yet really satisfying!
I burned almost 200 calories and that's it. why? I got shin splints after 15 minutes on the treadmill. At least, that's what my mom says they are. I basically just feel shitty about myself today. Tomorrow, i need to go back to my old apple, miso soup, rice, and veggies diet. It worked quite nicely for about a week! My tummy just can't take the gluten anymore...i'm pretty positive that's why i've been in so much pain.
On the other hand, i feel great because i'm starting to feel guilty about eating anything and everything again! That's always the first step. Once you form that guilt reflex to eating, you just can't help but eat less and work out more. Too bad i can't work out for a couple days, lucky lucky me! I'm going to do a pilates dvd and then maybe a yoga dvd...that way i dont feel TOO horrendous.
I'll post again soon, probably an article filled with more teen angst, lust, and rage. Are you getting excited already? Honestly, you should calm down a bit.

Keep up your great work! Hey, i'm trying to be positive here...

I sold my soul and happy fathers day!

Before I get to the personal stuff (so you can leave if you dont care), i'll go ahead and tell you that i basically haven't stuck to either of my diets this week.On the bright side, i've worked out for at least half an hour every day this week, which is a start, i guess. Today was by far my worst day. I ate 2 small slices of pizza for lunch and for dinner....hold on to you chairs, ladies, i had ihop. Yup. corn, mashed potatoes, meat and onions, AND a pancake loaded with syrup. Needless to say, i feel awful about it. It was only 700 something calories!! I only exercised for about 45 minutes, burning about 360 calories. Although, it was so fucking HOT today, i'm pretty sure i sweated off the rest of those damn things. I went hiking in 100 degree weather, gross! then we went down south to enjoy the beach and ran around there.

Ok, so...i basically just signed up to get my lady bits violated. Remember L? yeah, well apparently i decided it was a fantastic idea to go to the movies. this got blown out of hand due to my horny nature at 3 in the morning...and, he wants to "hook up."  I told him he could do whatever he wanted. ohhh boy. I'm not even attracted to him, i'm just doing it because i'm desperate and i know he's been dying to get physical with me since middle school. I've always had a soft spot for him...he's like one of those people who is PERFECT for you except for one thing. I love his personality, his body, i can tell him anything! too bad he's not attractive at all. Poor thing has been breaking out pretty badly recently, i feel like he'd look decent without it. This situation gets more confusing every day...i'm digging myself into a pit of regret. but is it worth it to rid myself of sexual tension? I have no clue.

On the bright side, he gave me on of the best compliments ever: "you're so fucking skinny! it's amazing."
Made me cry, because it's not true. But, it's the thought that counts :)

Guess what? I worked out. I know, you're shocked.

Guess what? I actually worked out today. Crazy, right? Well it could just be because I had mall quality mongolian BBQ for lunch and, for dinner, a fucking pizza hut personal pizza. Oh, and two twix bars. The twix gave me 500 calories, and i have no clue about the other stuff. But for once, i actually feel accomplished. I might've burned it all off! I walked 8.24 miles on the treadmill, burned 329 fat calories, and 1042 calories. That's pretty fucking great, if i do say so myself. :]
Sadly, that came at a cost. I was on that damn machine for probably over 2 hours, and my heels started to bleed. Not to mention the fact that i felt a drip of sweat fall down my nose. Ew, gross, i know. go ahead and ignore that. I put band aids on my cuts, and i was so sweaty, they slid off. Yeah, i worked it pretty hard.
Planning to return to my soup diet tomorrow to get my stomach back on track. Ever since memorial day ive been over eating and never feeling full, never feeling hungry. so, an apple a day plus a can of progresso french onion soup, and my total calories clock in at around 180 per day. I'll try my best to stick to it for a week.
I'm planning to burn at least double the calories i eat in a day. That'll teach me to keep from reaching for those fatty pieces of cheese and bread.
Speaking of bread...I think my stomach may be acting up because of it. I mean, i think i might be hyper-sensitive to gluten. That would actually be a fantastic thing, considering breads and pastas are what tempt me, instead of chocolate or sweets like normal people!
I have so much more to say, but i'll just post again tomorrow. Hope this motivated at least one of you to get you ass to the gym! ;) It's bikini season, ladies. Let's show them how great we look...even if you still have some work to do, work harder, it's the only way... Tomorrow's also my weigh in, stay tuned. *cringe*

Failed day, i'm being honest.

I've decided I'm going to start being completely honest on this blog. I didn't even want to post today because I feel like a failure and ate WAY too much. I can't stand to look at blogs that say "i didn't do so great today, maybe tomorrow! Its a new day, right? stay strong, you can all accomplish your goals if you work hard enough."
I'm a pessimist when it comes down to it. I'm gonna tell it like it is. You guys can struggle and strive with me, or at least sit back and watch my nightmare...
Anyway, I burned 140 calories walking on the treadmill. I hula hooped for 20 minutes, I did a session of hip hop abs, and I did a 40 (?) minute DVD Pilates routine. I actually felt pretty great until dinner.4 pieces total of casserole ( i'm just going to call it that because it's Turkish. actually pretty healthy. It's called borek if you're curious). I also had some tzatziki and a little tomato salad. I hate leftovers from holidays.
I started a new meal plan a couple weeks ago, and found myself completely satisfied. But this week i have been  CRAVING. I'll go ahead and blame it on my period starting tomorrow :) yeah, those 5 cookies i ate can be blamed on my period, too. Hopefully you didn't just catch that...Ignore the chubby girl behind the curtain??

Meal Plan:
Breakfast:
1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)

Lunch:
1/2 apple
1/2 egg white (boiled)
1 cup of miso soup (with a bit of tofu)

Dinner:
Some rice (a cup? half a cup? I'm too lazy to measure)
1 cup of miso soup (with tofu)
Veggies (spinach, spinach, and more spinach. usually with some kimchi)

Dessert:
Only if i can't STAND it- i'll have a bit of fruit

I do let myself cheat each meal once a week (which hasn't been working out so well considering I can't always choose what I have for dinner, ohhh mom, stop screwing me over!)
I honestly don't know what more I can do, I feel like a porker.